“I don’t want to stay with Aunt Elise!” I insisted as I threw my Barbie suitcase into the backseat of Mama’s tiny car.
“It is only for two nights, sweetie.” Anna was at a friends house, Father was away on business, Maria was off for the weekend, and Mama had plans with Penny. They had been planning a trip to Nashville for weeks and didn’t have any way of getting out of it without losing money.
“Couldn’t I go with you and Penny?” I was desperate. I could only imagine myself having to sleep in Victoria’s bed, which creeped me out.
“Honey, we have tickets to two concerts that are sold out. You wouldn’t be able to have any fun.” Mama felt bad about leaving me behind, I knew. “Elise will love having company anyway.”
Aunt Elise’s house was small compared to ours’. It was a one story house with a hall that went straight through the middle of it, it only had one bathroom, and didn’t even have a dining room. Elise was single. She used to be married, but I never met her husband, he was long gone before I was born-- or before Victoria was born for that matter and Victoria was two years older than me.
“Addy!” Elise was standing on her big front porch waiting for me. I tried to act excited because of the fact that she seemed very excited to have me, but the truth was that I wasn’t excited at all. Mama gave me a big hug and left me there. She didn’t seem nearly as sad as I was, but I figured she was better at hiding her emotions. “Oh don’t cry honey, we’re going to have a great time!”
Elise took my hand and led me inside. “You can stay in Victoria’s old room!” My worst nightmare confirmed. “I’ll put your suitcase on Victoria’s bed.”
I waited for Elise in the living room. She had a big corduroy couch that Mama said was tacky, a worn out leather chair in the corner, a bookcase full of little animal figurines, and a huge painting of Victoria above the fireplace. I stared at her. She had long blonde curls, giant blue eyes, and a certain sadness about her. She almost looked like she knew she was going to die. She was wearing a pink fluffy dress and was holding an umbrella. Victoria looked like she was from a different time.
“Isn’t she beautiful?” Aunt Elise was standing beside me, admiring her sweet Victoria.
“Yes ma’am.” I nodded, telling the truth.
“Hungry?” Her eyes were filled with tears, another emotion that she could eat. She had gained a good hundred pounds in the years following my cousin’s death.
“I could eat.” I didn’t want her to have to eat alone.
“I’ve got brownies!” Elise took me by the hand and led me into the kitchen. We sat and ate brownies, chocolate chip cookies, cheese, grapes, fish sticks, and baked potatoes. Everything she offered, I said yes to. I was stuffed and finally turned her down when she offered me left over pizza. I was surprised Aunt Elise had left over pizza! Seemed to me she would have eaten the whole box. Maybe she ordered two.
“I’m full, Aunt Elise.” My jeans felt like they were going to pop at any moment and I wished I had elastic pants like hers’. She slid the box of pizza back into the fridge and sat down across from me.
“I am having so much fun!” she announced.
“Me too.” I smiled, wanting her to feel good about herself. “I’ve never tasted better brownies.”
“That is too sweet, Addy!” she smiled proudly.
“Do you think we could go for a walk?” I needed to get up and move around after our feast.
“A walk?” she didn’t seem too thrilled. “How about we play cards?”
Elise and Mama spent countless hours playing cards as little girls. I remembered Mama telling me that, so I agreed to play. “Okay, let’s play.” Aunt Elise liked playing cards almost as much as she liked eating! We must have played for three hours. She was very good!
“I guess I should start cooking supper.”
“Oh I couldn’t eat a bite.” I confessed, still full from earlier. “I think I’ll take a bath before bed.” It was getting dark outside and I was tired of entertaining her, so I decided to turn in early.
Elise ran my bath water and headed into the kitchen to fix herself a TV dinner. I couldn’t believe she was eating again, but was glad to be alone. I played with the pull string fish that she found in the back of the cabinet for me, knowing that it had probably been Victoria’s.
“Goodnight, Addy.” She tucked me into my cousin’s bed, I was fresh and clean, with my hair braided down my back. “I’ve had fun!”
“Me too, Aunt Elise. Goodnight.” I yawned, I really was tired.
“Tomorrow we’ll go for that walk after breakfast.”
“Okay.” I nodded, watching her survey the room one last time before turning out the light.
I looked around. Victoria’s dolls were lined up, her teddy bears were arranged according to size, her porcelain dolls were standing side by side on her dresser, and her tea set was set up on the table-- ready for a tea party. I thought about my cousin and wondered why she had to die. She and I were friends when we were little, before she got sick.
Her tiny casket had been covered with flowers and I remembered thinking about how much she would have loved them. She was a very girly girl. She loved the color pink, loved wearing ribbons in her hair, took care of her baby dolls like they were real babies, and always sparkled with fancy shoes and little heart shaped earrings. Victoria was six when she died, but four when she got sick.
Even thought I was sleepy, I couldn’t sleep at all. If I were in my own room, I would have gotten up and played with the toys that surrounded me, but I didn’t want to mess anything up. I didn’t want to change a single thing. Even at eight years old, I knew better than to disturb Aunt Elise’s shrine.
Several times during the night I heard Elise creep into the kitchen for a snack. I thought about how pretty and fit she used to be. She was the blonde headed version of Mama before. She was still pretty, but it was a shame that she had let herself go. She would never find a husband now, I heard Mama say it all the time.
“Good morning, sunshine! Did you sleep well?” Aunt Elise was standing over the stove shuffling eggs around a frying pan with a spatula when I finally felt like it was late enough to get out of bed.
“Mmm hmm.” I lied. I dozed off a few times, but really hadn’t slept at all. I ate the food that she placed in front of me, and wondered what Aunt Elise had in store for me.
“Your Daddy called. He’ll be home early, so our walk will have to wait. He’ll be here before lunch to get you.” I bet Aunt Elise was glad that she didn’t have to exercise after all.
“Oh, okay.” I smiled. I couldn’t wait for him to come rescue me from the sadness that showed no matter how hard my aunt tried to hide it. I watched her eat what I left on my plate and swore to myself that I would never eat my feelings.
“You can go play in Victoria’s room if you want…”
“I’ll just watch TV, thanks.” I sat and watched Andy Griffith and waited on Father to arrive.
Around eleven thirty the doorbell rang and I darted into Victoria’s bedroom to grab my suitcase while Aunt Elise answered the door. The bed was now made exactly as it had been when I arrived. A Raggedy Anne doll centered between the pillows and a worn out teddy bear tucked under the covers. The only evidence left of my visit was the little suitcase that was propped against the wall. I grabbed it and headed outside with Father. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought I felt Aunt Elise breathe a sigh of relief as she kissed me goodbye. Maybe she was happier alone. I didn’t know, but I knew that I was happy to be heading home to my own bed and my own toys.
“Are you hungry? Want to grab lunch?” Father asked as we pulled away.
“No!” And I wouldn't be hungry at dinner either.
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Fifty
Sex. It got a bad reputation in my book when I caught Father and Maria steaming up the windows of his study. It got an even worse reputation in my book when I realized that my sister Anna was attractive enough to lure in tons of neighborhood boys. I never really even imagined myself having it-- it just didn’t seem like something that would happen to a girl who boys ignored and had Father figure issues.
Sex. Junior managed to change my entire perception of the word. Our night together was more satisfying that anything I had ever experienced. It felt more right than anything I had ever done. A part of me, after a night with Junior, understood why Mama enjoyed it enough to need two men-- although I could never fathom doing it with anyone but Junior, or wanting to.
“I love you.” Junior whispered as he fell onto the bed beside me, glistening with sweat. I pulled the covers over my shaking body, let out a quivering sigh, and looked at him. The perfect man. The best concoction of strength, gentleness, love, caution, warmth, and ease that nature ever created. I studied his face, tanned from a summer by the shore. Those eyes that looked at me and saw beauty, golden brown with flecks of gold. Those lips, the first lips that ever met mine and the last ones that ever would. I loved this man. I was sure of it. He was my first and my last. He was mine.
“Thank you.” I whispered back.
“For loving you?” he asked with a half smile.
“No, for making love to me.”
“Well in that case, thank you.” Junior kissed me gently, and we basked in the afterglow of what would be the first of many sleepless sweaty nights.
“Well?” Perceptive Penny always knew when something was up. We were lying on the beach while Junior played Frisbee with a weekender.
“Well, what?” I blushed, rolling over on my stomach.
“You just look a little different today, that’s all. I wondered if you had consummated the relationship.” Penny winked through her giant sunglasses.
“Oh Penny,” I laughed. “You’re crazy!”
“Am I?” Penny thumped me and left it at that.
I watched Junior catch the Frisbee and toss it to the little blonde headed boy in a SpongeBob bathing suit. I imagined him frolicking on the beach with our children and smiled. I wished that Mama could have met Junior, and I couldn’t wait for Father to. We would have to arrange that.
I didn’t know quite where to start with Father… Did I mention his letter? Did I apologize for hating him? Did I start fresh? How could I? We couldn’t pick up where we left off before I started hating him. We couldn’t go back to that, because it was so far from the places that life had led me. I didn’t have answers.
“Do you think Father still loves me?” I asked Penny.
“Oh sure he does.”
“Why would he?” I hoped it wasn’t too late.
“Addy, a Father never stops loving his little girl. The sun rose and set in you for him, and it still does. He loves you.” she sounded convincing, but I still wasn’t convinced. I hoped she was right, but feared that she wasn’t. I had done a lot of mean things to him through the years. Many hateful words had crossed my lips in his direction. Between my bitterness, and Mama’s request for an open marriage, Robert Banks was probably hurting more than I had ever imagined.
I needed to go to him and decided that as soon as my car arrived, I would take Junior home to meet my Father. I wanted Father to see that my faith in “mankind” was restored, and that my love for him was on the mend. If I could have snapped my fingers and fixed things with Father I would have, but unfortunately it was going to take some work.
I wasn’t going back to Boston. My life had found happiness here, and I was going to live at the beach house. I might not have a job, but I was ready to write happy endings again. Maybe, if I could find the words, I would even write about Mama. I still adored her, mistakes and all. She would always be my heart.
“Addy! Catch!” Junior let go of the yellow plastic disc and it soared right into my hands. I stood up, ran out into the sand, and joined in. I was finally living, after twenty eight years of passing through life, I was now taking part in it. Thanks to Penny’s support, Mama’s letters, and Junior's love, I was finally alive.
Sex. Junior managed to change my entire perception of the word. Our night together was more satisfying that anything I had ever experienced. It felt more right than anything I had ever done. A part of me, after a night with Junior, understood why Mama enjoyed it enough to need two men-- although I could never fathom doing it with anyone but Junior, or wanting to.
“I love you.” Junior whispered as he fell onto the bed beside me, glistening with sweat. I pulled the covers over my shaking body, let out a quivering sigh, and looked at him. The perfect man. The best concoction of strength, gentleness, love, caution, warmth, and ease that nature ever created. I studied his face, tanned from a summer by the shore. Those eyes that looked at me and saw beauty, golden brown with flecks of gold. Those lips, the first lips that ever met mine and the last ones that ever would. I loved this man. I was sure of it. He was my first and my last. He was mine.
“Thank you.” I whispered back.
“For loving you?” he asked with a half smile.
“No, for making love to me.”
“Well in that case, thank you.” Junior kissed me gently, and we basked in the afterglow of what would be the first of many sleepless sweaty nights.
***
“Well?” Perceptive Penny always knew when something was up. We were lying on the beach while Junior played Frisbee with a weekender.
“Well, what?” I blushed, rolling over on my stomach.
“You just look a little different today, that’s all. I wondered if you had consummated the relationship.” Penny winked through her giant sunglasses.
“Oh Penny,” I laughed. “You’re crazy!”
“Am I?” Penny thumped me and left it at that.
I watched Junior catch the Frisbee and toss it to the little blonde headed boy in a SpongeBob bathing suit. I imagined him frolicking on the beach with our children and smiled. I wished that Mama could have met Junior, and I couldn’t wait for Father to. We would have to arrange that.
I didn’t know quite where to start with Father… Did I mention his letter? Did I apologize for hating him? Did I start fresh? How could I? We couldn’t pick up where we left off before I started hating him. We couldn’t go back to that, because it was so far from the places that life had led me. I didn’t have answers.
“Do you think Father still loves me?” I asked Penny.
“Oh sure he does.”
“Why would he?” I hoped it wasn’t too late.
“Addy, a Father never stops loving his little girl. The sun rose and set in you for him, and it still does. He loves you.” she sounded convincing, but I still wasn’t convinced. I hoped she was right, but feared that she wasn’t. I had done a lot of mean things to him through the years. Many hateful words had crossed my lips in his direction. Between my bitterness, and Mama’s request for an open marriage, Robert Banks was probably hurting more than I had ever imagined.
I needed to go to him and decided that as soon as my car arrived, I would take Junior home to meet my Father. I wanted Father to see that my faith in “mankind” was restored, and that my love for him was on the mend. If I could have snapped my fingers and fixed things with Father I would have, but unfortunately it was going to take some work.
I wasn’t going back to Boston. My life had found happiness here, and I was going to live at the beach house. I might not have a job, but I was ready to write happy endings again. Maybe, if I could find the words, I would even write about Mama. I still adored her, mistakes and all. She would always be my heart.
“Addy! Catch!” Junior let go of the yellow plastic disc and it soared right into my hands. I stood up, ran out into the sand, and joined in. I was finally living, after twenty eight years of passing through life, I was now taking part in it. Thanks to Penny’s support, Mama’s letters, and Junior's love, I was finally alive.
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Forty Nine
“I got your letter, Mama.” Tears were streaming down my face, the letter was in my hand still.
“Oh, don’t cry. It won’t help anything.” Mama’s voice sounded weak, but she was trying to remain upbeat and positive.
“I’ll come home.” I insisted.
“No. You won’t come home, Addy! You’ll stay in Boston.” I knew Mama wouldn’t want me to abandon my life just to come watch her wilt away, but I needed to be by her side. The letter said that she didn’t have much time left, and I wanted more than anything to help her spend that time.
That letter from my Mama was when my life began to spiral out of control. I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone. I couldn’t stand the thought of being Motherless. I wanted to push it out of my mind, and somehow managed to. I called her every single day, but we never mentioned the cancer again. We talked about everything but that. Any news about her Leukemia came through letters, and I learned to dread checking the mail.
My life in Boston was unfulfilling. Even my cats couldn’t keep me happy anymore now that they had grown up. I needed a support system of friends or at least family, but instead had no one. I was for all practical purposes alone in the world.
Mama’s sickness sent me over the edge. I stopped visiting Athan’s Deli and started eating spaghetti o’s at every meal. Instead of heading to the office to turn in my articles, I struck a deal with my boss that allowed me to email them in instead. I became a hermit. On the rare occasion that I ordered a pizza, I left the money under the mat and waited until they were long gone to reach outside and grab it. I was the exact opposite of what I had always dreamed I would become. I was the exact opposite of what Mama and Penny had worked so hard to make me into-- all the shopping trips for cute clothes, all the parties that they threw in my honor just to get me used to people, all the promises for summer romances. It was all a thing of the past. I was now alone hundred and hundreds of miles away from my dying Mama.
I was taking a bubble bath when the news of Mama’s death arrived. Penny called me, she knew that I would hang up on Father. I couldn’t believe my ears. I dropped the cell phone in the temped bath water and began to cry. I was alone. I was an orphan. I had no one left.
The water grew colder and colder by the second, but I just soaked and stared up at the ceiling. Memories of Mama ran through my mind. Happy memories that I would always cherish. I knew that Father would feel even more guilty for cheating on her now that she was gone, and I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to feel half of the pain that was inside of me, which was enough to kill anyone. I needed someone to blame Mama’s Leukemia on, and it found its place with him. I didn’t know if I could face him at the funeral, and really didn’t want to face Anna either.
The house grew dark around me. I was still lying in the still waters, coming to terms with my new normal. I had, in a way, prepared myself for being alone by blocking the whole world out in the months that led up to Mama’s passing. In some ways, I had been preparing for years-- even before I knew about her sickness. I wondered for the first time in my life about heaven and hell. It was something that I hadn’t really concerned myself with-- we went to church, but heaven and hell was such a huge concept that I didn’t try to grasp it. Until now. Now I imagined Mama wrapped in white light, floating up into the arms of Jesus. She was safe there. She was away from Father’s deceit and unfaithfulness. I didn’t have to protect her anymore. I didn’t need to protect her anymore. At that moment, I decided to believe in heaven.
By the time I found the strength to stand on my own two feet, my fingers and toes were shriveled and I was shivering from the cold porcelain bath. The water spiraled down the drain, leaving my ruined cell phone and a mushy bar of soap behind. I wrapped a towel around me and climbed into bed. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, but didn’t care. The hunger pains felt right.
I didn’t bother replacing my phone, but knew even without calling that I would need to head home. I had a funeral to get to. The next morning, I stuffed a few things haphazardly in a duffel bag, poured a whole bag of cat food in Lennon and McCartney’s bowl, and left. I had sixteen and a half hours to come to terms with the reality that awaited me in South Carolina. I had sixteen hours to sit, stare straight ahead, and remember Mama.
The sobs that escaped my lips echoed through the silent car and through the emptiness inside of me. The radio which was usually alive with song didn’t make a sound. I didn’t need distraction from the truth that awaited me. I ignored the speed limits, ignored the growling pleas of my stomach for food, ignored the snot running down my neck and chest, and just drove. Mama was gone, and along with her every hope for my future died too. I was nobody without her.
“Oh, don’t cry. It won’t help anything.” Mama’s voice sounded weak, but she was trying to remain upbeat and positive.
“I’ll come home.” I insisted.
“No. You won’t come home, Addy! You’ll stay in Boston.” I knew Mama wouldn’t want me to abandon my life just to come watch her wilt away, but I needed to be by her side. The letter said that she didn’t have much time left, and I wanted more than anything to help her spend that time.
That letter from my Mama was when my life began to spiral out of control. I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone. I couldn’t stand the thought of being Motherless. I wanted to push it out of my mind, and somehow managed to. I called her every single day, but we never mentioned the cancer again. We talked about everything but that. Any news about her Leukemia came through letters, and I learned to dread checking the mail.
My life in Boston was unfulfilling. Even my cats couldn’t keep me happy anymore now that they had grown up. I needed a support system of friends or at least family, but instead had no one. I was for all practical purposes alone in the world.
Mama’s sickness sent me over the edge. I stopped visiting Athan’s Deli and started eating spaghetti o’s at every meal. Instead of heading to the office to turn in my articles, I struck a deal with my boss that allowed me to email them in instead. I became a hermit. On the rare occasion that I ordered a pizza, I left the money under the mat and waited until they were long gone to reach outside and grab it. I was the exact opposite of what I had always dreamed I would become. I was the exact opposite of what Mama and Penny had worked so hard to make me into-- all the shopping trips for cute clothes, all the parties that they threw in my honor just to get me used to people, all the promises for summer romances. It was all a thing of the past. I was now alone hundred and hundreds of miles away from my dying Mama.
***
I was taking a bubble bath when the news of Mama’s death arrived. Penny called me, she knew that I would hang up on Father. I couldn’t believe my ears. I dropped the cell phone in the temped bath water and began to cry. I was alone. I was an orphan. I had no one left.
The water grew colder and colder by the second, but I just soaked and stared up at the ceiling. Memories of Mama ran through my mind. Happy memories that I would always cherish. I knew that Father would feel even more guilty for cheating on her now that she was gone, and I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to feel half of the pain that was inside of me, which was enough to kill anyone. I needed someone to blame Mama’s Leukemia on, and it found its place with him. I didn’t know if I could face him at the funeral, and really didn’t want to face Anna either.
The house grew dark around me. I was still lying in the still waters, coming to terms with my new normal. I had, in a way, prepared myself for being alone by blocking the whole world out in the months that led up to Mama’s passing. In some ways, I had been preparing for years-- even before I knew about her sickness. I wondered for the first time in my life about heaven and hell. It was something that I hadn’t really concerned myself with-- we went to church, but heaven and hell was such a huge concept that I didn’t try to grasp it. Until now. Now I imagined Mama wrapped in white light, floating up into the arms of Jesus. She was safe there. She was away from Father’s deceit and unfaithfulness. I didn’t have to protect her anymore. I didn’t need to protect her anymore. At that moment, I decided to believe in heaven.
By the time I found the strength to stand on my own two feet, my fingers and toes were shriveled and I was shivering from the cold porcelain bath. The water spiraled down the drain, leaving my ruined cell phone and a mushy bar of soap behind. I wrapped a towel around me and climbed into bed. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, but didn’t care. The hunger pains felt right.
I didn’t bother replacing my phone, but knew even without calling that I would need to head home. I had a funeral to get to. The next morning, I stuffed a few things haphazardly in a duffel bag, poured a whole bag of cat food in Lennon and McCartney’s bowl, and left. I had sixteen and a half hours to come to terms with the reality that awaited me in South Carolina. I had sixteen hours to sit, stare straight ahead, and remember Mama.
The sobs that escaped my lips echoed through the silent car and through the emptiness inside of me. The radio which was usually alive with song didn’t make a sound. I didn’t need distraction from the truth that awaited me. I ignored the speed limits, ignored the growling pleas of my stomach for food, ignored the snot running down my neck and chest, and just drove. Mama was gone, and along with her every hope for my future died too. I was nobody without her.
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Forty Eight
By the time I read another daily dose, my sunburn was just a memory. The days that followed Penny’s housewarming party were full of living. I spent an enjoyable Sunday afternoon with Anna and her boyfriend Ryan, spent an amazing Monday having an old movie marathon with Junior, finally remembered to mail Father my keys on Tuesday, and on Wednesday my two cats were delivered-- I had almost forgotten about them!
I took a leap of faith and called the publication that I worked for in Boston and quit, I didn’t even feel like a failure for doing it. My life was being built kiss by kiss here with Junior. I couldn’t imagine going back to the lonely desolation of Brighton Center. I couldn’t imagine having to fly down or drive sixteen hours to see just to see Junior. I needed him and I knew what I had to do.
Penny kept telling me how proud she was of me, but also kept asking me when I was going to read another letter. It had been far too long, and I knew that I couldn’t prolong it any longer. I took the final two letters up to my bedroom and closed the door behind me. Penny and Junior were playing Scrabble at the dining room table, and probably wouldn’t even notice that I was gone.
Lennon climbed into bed with me and purred. I carefully opened Mama’s letter and realized that it almost felt good hearing from her again. Somehow, through it all, I had managed not to transfer my hate onto her. I wasn’t sure where exactly the hate had gone, but I didn’t miss it at all.
Dear Addy,
This is the last letter that I will write to you. I hope that through these letters I have managed to show you little glimpses of myself and who I really am. I am not perfect. I’m sure you see that by now… I am just a woman who loved, who made mistakes, who lived life without regrets, and who managed to find happiness in the process. I truly am happy and I wish the same fulfillment for you, Addy. So far I have watched you spend your adulthood breeding bitterness and hate. I know that life has so much more in store for you, and I hope with every breath that I have left that you find the kind of love that I have been lucky enough to experience twice.
You may wonder why I am not writing to Anna, but Anna doesn’t need to learn the lessons that you do. She is a sweet but naïve girl, and I hope that you will take her under your wing instead of trying to out fly her, Addy. You’ll only have one sister in your entire life, and I want you to think long and hard about the relationship that you two have.
I almost feel like I am leaving behind a little handbook of lessons for you to learn. They aren’t spelled out, but they are here within these letters. I want more than anything for you to see my mistakes and see that we are all fallible. I am not perfect and never have been. None of us are, but that is what makes life so exciting. I want you to let go and love. I want you to throw all caution to the wind and just live. I want you to forget anything you ever thought you knew and just let life take you where it will.
These are not deep or profound things, they are simple little truths. I see the potential in you! I see what you could have been had I not allowed you to hate your Daddy and spend your life building a case against him. You spent your life protecting me from secrets that were not nearly as heavy as you made them. You can let go of all of that now. You don’t have to protect me anymore, my dear. And as much as I would like to protect you from the pain that my own secrets will cause you, I feel that you need to know the truth. You deserve the be free from the veil of lies that I carried with me. I am enclosing the letter that I was writing all those years ago-- the one I never finished because you wanted a sheet of paper to write a poem on. I want you to see the truth and know the real me that nobody else knows. I want you to take a piece of me that I have not even offered up to your Father or to Anna, and keep it as your own.
Please know that I love you and that I am proud of you. Dig deep, Addy! You can move past the pain that life has thrown at you, you can forgive the mistakes, you can rise above it, and fly. Thank you for protecting me for all those years. I have always found happiness in the knowledge that someone could love me as wholly and as purely as you did and do. Forgive me for the things that I never told you until now, and remember that part of living is making mistakes and choosing to be happy.
I looked in the envelope for the letter that she had been writing that day, all those years ago, but it wasn’t there. I realized that it would have to wait until my next daily dose. I thought of her words and couldn’t help but smile. She truly was a wonderful woman despite her mistakes. I was thankful that Mama was reaching out to me, even through death, and leading me in the right direction. Finally, after all those years, I had a peace the settled into my heart and healed the wounds of hate. Bitterness left me bruised and battered, but I was finally ready to let go of the pain. I was ready to love. I cried as I made a conscious decision to forgive Mama. I couldn’t wait to read the letter from her past and to close this chapter of my life that began in a dark cloud of hate but was being punctuated by new love, long deserved forgiveness, and hope.
Junior knocked on the door and came into the room that was quickly feeling more and more like home to him. “You okay?” he asked.
“I am.” I put the letter aside and held out my arms to him.
“Penny went home, I think she had a hot date.” Junior smiled. It hadn’t taken him long to catch Penny fever-- it was hard to be around her without loving her to death.
“It is about time.” I joked. Junior smiled and my heart skipped a beat. As I looked into the face of the man I loved, I really couldn’t remember life without him. The sun was sinking into night, and I knew without a doubt that it was time. “Make love to me.”
Junior’s eyes searched mine for a moment, eventually coming to the same conclusion-- it was time. He kissed me gently, undressed me slowly, and gave me all of his love.
I took a leap of faith and called the publication that I worked for in Boston and quit, I didn’t even feel like a failure for doing it. My life was being built kiss by kiss here with Junior. I couldn’t imagine going back to the lonely desolation of Brighton Center. I couldn’t imagine having to fly down or drive sixteen hours to see just to see Junior. I needed him and I knew what I had to do.
Penny kept telling me how proud she was of me, but also kept asking me when I was going to read another letter. It had been far too long, and I knew that I couldn’t prolong it any longer. I took the final two letters up to my bedroom and closed the door behind me. Penny and Junior were playing Scrabble at the dining room table, and probably wouldn’t even notice that I was gone.
Lennon climbed into bed with me and purred. I carefully opened Mama’s letter and realized that it almost felt good hearing from her again. Somehow, through it all, I had managed not to transfer my hate onto her. I wasn’t sure where exactly the hate had gone, but I didn’t miss it at all.
Dear Addy,
This is the last letter that I will write to you. I hope that through these letters I have managed to show you little glimpses of myself and who I really am. I am not perfect. I’m sure you see that by now… I am just a woman who loved, who made mistakes, who lived life without regrets, and who managed to find happiness in the process. I truly am happy and I wish the same fulfillment for you, Addy. So far I have watched you spend your adulthood breeding bitterness and hate. I know that life has so much more in store for you, and I hope with every breath that I have left that you find the kind of love that I have been lucky enough to experience twice.
You may wonder why I am not writing to Anna, but Anna doesn’t need to learn the lessons that you do. She is a sweet but naïve girl, and I hope that you will take her under your wing instead of trying to out fly her, Addy. You’ll only have one sister in your entire life, and I want you to think long and hard about the relationship that you two have.
I almost feel like I am leaving behind a little handbook of lessons for you to learn. They aren’t spelled out, but they are here within these letters. I want more than anything for you to see my mistakes and see that we are all fallible. I am not perfect and never have been. None of us are, but that is what makes life so exciting. I want you to let go and love. I want you to throw all caution to the wind and just live. I want you to forget anything you ever thought you knew and just let life take you where it will.
These are not deep or profound things, they are simple little truths. I see the potential in you! I see what you could have been had I not allowed you to hate your Daddy and spend your life building a case against him. You spent your life protecting me from secrets that were not nearly as heavy as you made them. You can let go of all of that now. You don’t have to protect me anymore, my dear. And as much as I would like to protect you from the pain that my own secrets will cause you, I feel that you need to know the truth. You deserve the be free from the veil of lies that I carried with me. I am enclosing the letter that I was writing all those years ago-- the one I never finished because you wanted a sheet of paper to write a poem on. I want you to see the truth and know the real me that nobody else knows. I want you to take a piece of me that I have not even offered up to your Father or to Anna, and keep it as your own.
Please know that I love you and that I am proud of you. Dig deep, Addy! You can move past the pain that life has thrown at you, you can forgive the mistakes, you can rise above it, and fly. Thank you for protecting me for all those years. I have always found happiness in the knowledge that someone could love me as wholly and as purely as you did and do. Forgive me for the things that I never told you until now, and remember that part of living is making mistakes and choosing to be happy.
All for now and all my love,
Mama
I looked in the envelope for the letter that she had been writing that day, all those years ago, but it wasn’t there. I realized that it would have to wait until my next daily dose. I thought of her words and couldn’t help but smile. She truly was a wonderful woman despite her mistakes. I was thankful that Mama was reaching out to me, even through death, and leading me in the right direction. Finally, after all those years, I had a peace the settled into my heart and healed the wounds of hate. Bitterness left me bruised and battered, but I was finally ready to let go of the pain. I was ready to love. I cried as I made a conscious decision to forgive Mama. I couldn’t wait to read the letter from her past and to close this chapter of my life that began in a dark cloud of hate but was being punctuated by new love, long deserved forgiveness, and hope.
Junior knocked on the door and came into the room that was quickly feeling more and more like home to him. “You okay?” he asked.
“I am.” I put the letter aside and held out my arms to him.
“Penny went home, I think she had a hot date.” Junior smiled. It hadn’t taken him long to catch Penny fever-- it was hard to be around her without loving her to death.
“It is about time.” I joked. Junior smiled and my heart skipped a beat. As I looked into the face of the man I loved, I really couldn’t remember life without him. The sun was sinking into night, and I knew without a doubt that it was time. “Make love to me.”
Junior’s eyes searched mine for a moment, eventually coming to the same conclusion-- it was time. He kissed me gently, undressed me slowly, and gave me all of his love.
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Forty Seven
Father and I sat together watching The King and I in his upstairs den. Mama and Anna had opted to watch The Little Mermaid downstairs, neither of them quite understanding our fascination with old movies, let alone musicals.
I still adored my Father with the wonder of an eight year old, and hung on his every word. “This movie was banned in Thailand when it was released,” he explained. He always had interesting facts about movies to tell.
“Where is that?” I had never heard of Thailand before.
“It is where they live, it used to be Siam…” Father tried to think of a way to make me understand. “South East Asia.”
“Oh.” I nodded, pretending to understand. We both turned our attention back to the movie, singing along with the familiar Rogers and Hammerstein tunes. “Did you name Anna after her?”
“No, we named her Anna because we thought it sounded good with Addy.” Father pulled me close, tickling me with his stubble.
Those are the moments that I spent many years blocking out. I purged my mind of all happy memories of Father, or twisted them and made them unhappy after catching him with Maria. The truth is, Father loved me and always had time for me.
I watched in awe as the shiny bald headed king spun Anna the teacher around the room. Father obviously saw in my eyes that I wanted to be her and scooped me into his arms and began to dance. I smiled, my hair flowing behind me, my heart pumping with excitement. I had the best Daddy in the world!
“Sweet Adeline, my Adeline. At night dear heart for you I pine. In all my dreams, your fair face beams. You‘re the flower of my heart Sweet Adeline…”
“I don’t want to go bed.” I whined. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t watch more movies.
“Got to.” Father pulled the quilt up around me. It was already ten o’clock.
“I can’t sleep.” I knew Father well enough to know that he would never leave the room if I wasn’t happy about going to sleep, and milked it for all it was worth.
“You haven’t tried yet, Addy. Now I know you’re upset about the king dying, I know you wish you could rewrite the ending, but you can’t.” Father understood me completely. “Someday, you’ll just have to write stories of your own and give them all happy endings.”
That was an idea. I was already quite a poet, even at eight. I hugged him close, finally ready to say goodnight, and rolled over on my side. I spent the rest of the night dreaming of the stories that I would write and the happy endings that I would create.
Father encourage me to write, always was ready to read my work, and always made sure I knew how proud her was of me. For many years, I wrote for him. I would hand him little tattered pieces of notebook paper with fairy tales on them, and wait on his reaction. He always made a big scene about it and asked if he could keep it. I was the apple of Father’s eye.
Unfortunately, my “And they lived happily ever afters” suddenly stopped at twelve years old. I stopped handing him pages of fairy tales and instead ignored him completely. I wrote stories of heart break and pain that would never be read. I wrote journal entries about how much I hated Father and loathed Maria. Suddenly, I found myself with an aversion to happy endings all together. It was like night and day from the relationship that Father and I had before I walked into his study.
I still adored my Father with the wonder of an eight year old, and hung on his every word. “This movie was banned in Thailand when it was released,” he explained. He always had interesting facts about movies to tell.
“Where is that?” I had never heard of Thailand before.
“It is where they live, it used to be Siam…” Father tried to think of a way to make me understand. “South East Asia.”
“Oh.” I nodded, pretending to understand. We both turned our attention back to the movie, singing along with the familiar Rogers and Hammerstein tunes. “Did you name Anna after her?”
“No, we named her Anna because we thought it sounded good with Addy.” Father pulled me close, tickling me with his stubble.
Those are the moments that I spent many years blocking out. I purged my mind of all happy memories of Father, or twisted them and made them unhappy after catching him with Maria. The truth is, Father loved me and always had time for me.
I watched in awe as the shiny bald headed king spun Anna the teacher around the room. Father obviously saw in my eyes that I wanted to be her and scooped me into his arms and began to dance. I smiled, my hair flowing behind me, my heart pumping with excitement. I had the best Daddy in the world!
***
“Sweet Adeline, my Adeline. At night dear heart for you I pine. In all my dreams, your fair face beams. You‘re the flower of my heart Sweet Adeline…”
“I don’t want to go bed.” I whined. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t watch more movies.
“Got to.” Father pulled the quilt up around me. It was already ten o’clock.
“I can’t sleep.” I knew Father well enough to know that he would never leave the room if I wasn’t happy about going to sleep, and milked it for all it was worth.
“You haven’t tried yet, Addy. Now I know you’re upset about the king dying, I know you wish you could rewrite the ending, but you can’t.” Father understood me completely. “Someday, you’ll just have to write stories of your own and give them all happy endings.”
That was an idea. I was already quite a poet, even at eight. I hugged him close, finally ready to say goodnight, and rolled over on my side. I spent the rest of the night dreaming of the stories that I would write and the happy endings that I would create.
Father encourage me to write, always was ready to read my work, and always made sure I knew how proud her was of me. For many years, I wrote for him. I would hand him little tattered pieces of notebook paper with fairy tales on them, and wait on his reaction. He always made a big scene about it and asked if he could keep it. I was the apple of Father’s eye.
Unfortunately, my “And they lived happily ever afters” suddenly stopped at twelve years old. I stopped handing him pages of fairy tales and instead ignored him completely. I wrote stories of heart break and pain that would never be read. I wrote journal entries about how much I hated Father and loathed Maria. Suddenly, I found myself with an aversion to happy endings all together. It was like night and day from the relationship that Father and I had before I walked into his study.
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Forty Six
I slid myself into the least amount of clothes that I could get away with for Penny’s housewarming party. My skin was already peeling, and clothes were painful reminders of everything that had ever gone wrong in my life. I pulled my hair back into a loose bun, tried to cover my tomato red face with makeup, and headed over to Penny’s house-- walking sort of like a robot since it hurt to bend my limbs. Junior was meeting me at the party, and I couldn’t wait to see him again.
“Addy! You look…” Penny took a good look at me. “Well you look redder than you did earlier.”
“Gee thanks.” I laughed. “Need any help setting things up?”
“No, thanks. I like the dress!” Penny bought me the long maxi dress with a cute retro pattern on it earlier that day.
“Thanks.” I twirled around, forgetting how stupid and rigid I would look trying to twirl.
“Knock, knock!” It was Anna. Anna was never early, but somehow she managed to show up early.
“Anna!” Penny gave her a hug and greeted the man that trailed in behind her. “Who is this?”
“This is Ryan.” Anna looked proud. “Ryan, this is my pet lobster.”
“Hi Ryan.” I smiled and shook his hand. “I’m actually Addy.”
“Hi, Addy. Nice to meet you.” Ryan was a tall red headed man with a brilliant smile that was almost too white.
“Let me guess!” Penny always said what she thought without worrying about people’s feelings. “A dentist?”
Anna shot Penny a look and didn’t give Ryan a chance to confirm the obvious before dragging him over to
Penny’s floral couch. Penny and I laughed. It didn’t take long for he little house to fill up. Penny had managed to round up twenty five friends on short notice.
Junior slipped in just as Penny proposed a toast. “To new beginnings, new attitudes, and old friends! I know it hasn’t been long since our sweet Julianne passed, but I know she would want us all to keep living! Here’s to pushing through!” We all raised our glasses and seconded her sentiments. I grabbed Juniors hand and looked into his eyes-- it truly was a new beginning worth celebrating.
The rest of the night was wonderful. I all but forgot about my sunburn, forgot my troubles, and just enjoyed myself. It was the first party that I had ever attended where I let my guard down completely. I had no reason to compete with Anna, to vie for Mama’s attention, or to give Father the evil eye. Father wasn’t even there.
“You look a little less red than you did last night.” Junior smiled.
“I’ll still need aloe.” I smiled, flirtatiously. Apparently, with the right person, flirting came naturally to me.
Penny snapped our picture, and continued making her rounds around the tiny living room. “I am digging the cottage!” Anna complimented.
“Thanks, I’m digging it too. It is so cozy!” Penny was proud of her purchase. “Where are you two staying tonight?”
“With Addy, I guess.” Anna shrugged her shoulders.
“I could use some company.” Penny had never been lonely, and we all knew she wasn’t lonely now, but I didn’t point it out. I wanted more time alone with Junior, anyway. Anna agreed that she and Ryan would take Penny’s guest bedroom, and Penny informed her that her guest bedroom was the living room couch. Anna kind of made a face, but she had already agreed to stay with Penny.
“A cow!” We were playing charades and I pretended to milk invisible utters.
“Right!” I jumped up and down and told the score keeper to make sure and write down my point!
Junior stood up timidly and began to dance around and wave his arms. I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. “A ballerina?” “Richard Simmons?” “A tap dancer?” We all shouted guesses, but each time he frowned and tried even harder.
“Time!” one of Penny’s friends shouted.
“What were you?!?” Penny looked worried.
“Someone who was getting robbed.” He sat down beside me and took a big gulp of beer.
The room erupted with laughter! “That is the last thing I would do if I was getting robbed!”
“He might get lucky and accidentally knock the robber out!” I pointed out.
Anna gave me a look like she had no idea who this new girl in her sister’s body was, and I was proud. I was finally an active participant in life’s little pleasures. I was having a ball playing charades! The night just kept getting better and better and before we knew it, it was nearly midnight.
“We’re going to head out.” Most of the party goers were gone and Junior was tired from a long day. “Thank you so much for having us, Penny! I’ll come help you clean up tomorrow.”
Penny hugged me tight, I could tell that she was proud of me. “Don’t bother, I’ll call a cleaning service.”
“Alright, goodnight everyone!” I waved toward Anna and Ryan who were talking to one of Penny’s friends.
“Goodnight Addy! Goodnight Junior!” They called with a wave.
“You were something else, Addy.” Junior smiled as we crossed the yard to the beach house.
“Yeah I can barely feel my sunburn now! Maybe I am numb from the Jello shots!” I laughed as we headed inside. Even though it was after midnight, I wasn’t sleepy at all. I put in a movie and curled up on the couch with Junior. He was worn out from a long day in the sun chasing kids around, and fell asleep almost instantly. I ran my hands through his hair and thought about our future together. I imagined how wonderful life would be. We really were perfect for each other.
“Junior…” I whispered, trying to talk him into heading upstairs to bed. “Junior, wake up.” He wouldn’t budge. “Junior!”
“What?”
“Let’s go to bed.” I pulled at him, and finally he sleepily followed me upstairs.
“I love you, Addy.” he mumbled as he closed his eyes.
“I love you, too.” I smiled. I couldn’t believe that the perfect man had just wandered into my life. Lying in bed with a man was new to me. Everything about this experience was new to me. I couldn't get over the wonderful reality that I was now faced with. Within a matter of days, my life changed for the better.
For some reason as I curled up beside Junior and watched him sleep, I thought of Father. All the years that I blamed him for something he hadn't even done in the first place. All of the hate that was boiling within my veins for him had finally cooled. I wanted to apologize, I wanted to meet the real Robert Banks and forget the monster that I had created in my head. I wanted my Daddy back. I wasn't sure where to start, but I had to start. In order to love Junior fully, I had to learn to love the man who gave me life. The burning that was now creeping back into my skin could never compare to the pain that I had caused Father. Again, I was thankful for the stinging pain because it reminded me that Junior was more than just a dream, and that the Father I spent my life hating had actually only been a nightmare. One that I was ready to wake up from.
“Addy! You look…” Penny took a good look at me. “Well you look redder than you did earlier.”
“Gee thanks.” I laughed. “Need any help setting things up?”
“No, thanks. I like the dress!” Penny bought me the long maxi dress with a cute retro pattern on it earlier that day.
“Thanks.” I twirled around, forgetting how stupid and rigid I would look trying to twirl.
“Knock, knock!” It was Anna. Anna was never early, but somehow she managed to show up early.
“Anna!” Penny gave her a hug and greeted the man that trailed in behind her. “Who is this?”
“This is Ryan.” Anna looked proud. “Ryan, this is my pet lobster.”
“Hi Ryan.” I smiled and shook his hand. “I’m actually Addy.”
“Hi, Addy. Nice to meet you.” Ryan was a tall red headed man with a brilliant smile that was almost too white.
“Let me guess!” Penny always said what she thought without worrying about people’s feelings. “A dentist?”
Anna shot Penny a look and didn’t give Ryan a chance to confirm the obvious before dragging him over to
Penny’s floral couch. Penny and I laughed. It didn’t take long for he little house to fill up. Penny had managed to round up twenty five friends on short notice.
Junior slipped in just as Penny proposed a toast. “To new beginnings, new attitudes, and old friends! I know it hasn’t been long since our sweet Julianne passed, but I know she would want us all to keep living! Here’s to pushing through!” We all raised our glasses and seconded her sentiments. I grabbed Juniors hand and looked into his eyes-- it truly was a new beginning worth celebrating.
The rest of the night was wonderful. I all but forgot about my sunburn, forgot my troubles, and just enjoyed myself. It was the first party that I had ever attended where I let my guard down completely. I had no reason to compete with Anna, to vie for Mama’s attention, or to give Father the evil eye. Father wasn’t even there.
“You look a little less red than you did last night.” Junior smiled.
“I’ll still need aloe.” I smiled, flirtatiously. Apparently, with the right person, flirting came naturally to me.
Penny snapped our picture, and continued making her rounds around the tiny living room. “I am digging the cottage!” Anna complimented.
“Thanks, I’m digging it too. It is so cozy!” Penny was proud of her purchase. “Where are you two staying tonight?”
“With Addy, I guess.” Anna shrugged her shoulders.
“I could use some company.” Penny had never been lonely, and we all knew she wasn’t lonely now, but I didn’t point it out. I wanted more time alone with Junior, anyway. Anna agreed that she and Ryan would take Penny’s guest bedroom, and Penny informed her that her guest bedroom was the living room couch. Anna kind of made a face, but she had already agreed to stay with Penny.
“A cow!” We were playing charades and I pretended to milk invisible utters.
“Right!” I jumped up and down and told the score keeper to make sure and write down my point!
Junior stood up timidly and began to dance around and wave his arms. I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. “A ballerina?” “Richard Simmons?” “A tap dancer?” We all shouted guesses, but each time he frowned and tried even harder.
“Time!” one of Penny’s friends shouted.
“What were you?!?” Penny looked worried.
“Someone who was getting robbed.” He sat down beside me and took a big gulp of beer.
The room erupted with laughter! “That is the last thing I would do if I was getting robbed!”
“He might get lucky and accidentally knock the robber out!” I pointed out.
Anna gave me a look like she had no idea who this new girl in her sister’s body was, and I was proud. I was finally an active participant in life’s little pleasures. I was having a ball playing charades! The night just kept getting better and better and before we knew it, it was nearly midnight.
“We’re going to head out.” Most of the party goers were gone and Junior was tired from a long day. “Thank you so much for having us, Penny! I’ll come help you clean up tomorrow.”
Penny hugged me tight, I could tell that she was proud of me. “Don’t bother, I’ll call a cleaning service.”
“Alright, goodnight everyone!” I waved toward Anna and Ryan who were talking to one of Penny’s friends.
“Goodnight Addy! Goodnight Junior!” They called with a wave.
“You were something else, Addy.” Junior smiled as we crossed the yard to the beach house.
“Yeah I can barely feel my sunburn now! Maybe I am numb from the Jello shots!” I laughed as we headed inside. Even though it was after midnight, I wasn’t sleepy at all. I put in a movie and curled up on the couch with Junior. He was worn out from a long day in the sun chasing kids around, and fell asleep almost instantly. I ran my hands through his hair and thought about our future together. I imagined how wonderful life would be. We really were perfect for each other.
“Junior…” I whispered, trying to talk him into heading upstairs to bed. “Junior, wake up.” He wouldn’t budge. “Junior!”
“What?”
“Let’s go to bed.” I pulled at him, and finally he sleepily followed me upstairs.
“I love you, Addy.” he mumbled as he closed his eyes.
“I love you, too.” I smiled. I couldn’t believe that the perfect man had just wandered into my life. Lying in bed with a man was new to me. Everything about this experience was new to me. I couldn't get over the wonderful reality that I was now faced with. Within a matter of days, my life changed for the better.
For some reason as I curled up beside Junior and watched him sleep, I thought of Father. All the years that I blamed him for something he hadn't even done in the first place. All of the hate that was boiling within my veins for him had finally cooled. I wanted to apologize, I wanted to meet the real Robert Banks and forget the monster that I had created in my head. I wanted my Daddy back. I wasn't sure where to start, but I had to start. In order to love Junior fully, I had to learn to love the man who gave me life. The burning that was now creeping back into my skin could never compare to the pain that I had caused Father. Again, I was thankful for the stinging pain because it reminded me that Junior was more than just a dream, and that the Father I spent my life hating had actually only been a nightmare. One that I was ready to wake up from.
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Forty Five
Anna’s bra was stuffed as usual, and I couldn’t help but glance down at my own flat chest. She pranced around the house, pretending that they were real. “What are you doing?” I asked, wrinkling my face to show my disdain.
“I’m going to be Miss America someday,” Anna, even at eleven was completely sure of herself. She did a turn and slung her hair over her shoulder with the confidence of a real pageant contestant. “I need to get the walk down pat.”
“Maybe you’ll have real boobs by then.” I smiled snidely.
“Maybe you will too.” Anna stuck her tongue out at me.
“Let me try those things on.” I reached for her training bra and she crossed her arms over her chest, cat like reflexes.
“Get your own!”
I pulled my adidas tennis shoes from my feet and peeled the damp socks off. They left red ridges on my feet and legs. I rolled the white socks up into a perfect little ball and stuffed them in my shirt. It wouldn’t be the first time I had put socks in my under clothes! The mounds looked funny and Anna and I laughed.
“Too tight.” Anna reached into my shirt and fixed the shape, stuffing them back in proudly. “Va va voom!”
I stood up and pranced around like I had seen Anna do. She whistled and clapped. We tip-toed down the hall toward Mama’s room. We wanted to see if she would notice my newly endowed figure. “You go first!” I whispered.
Anna slung open the door and sashayed in. Penny, who was down for our Miss America Viewing Party that night, was consoling Mama. Mama had tears streaming down her face. She looked down right miserable.
“What’s wrong Mama?” Anna asked, forgetting about our game.
“Nothing honey, nothing.” Mama wiped her face and sat down on the bed. I knew exactly what was wrong. Father had done something to her! I should have known that she would find out about what he and Maria had done in the study. I pulled a sock from my shirt and threw it against the wall before running out. I was going to give Father a piece of my mind!
I searched the house for him, but he was nowhere to be found. I ran out onto the porch and saw that he was gathering flowers in the garden. “What are you doing?” I yelled as I stomped over.
“Making bouquets for the party tonight! I thought you and Anna would want to feel like Miss America.” Father smiled broadly, ignoring the anger in my voice. “I was going to surprise you, but I also bought tiaras.”
I wanted to be mad at Father, but as usual he was being too nice for me to scream at. Just as I found the meanest words that I had inside of me, Anna came out onto the lawn behind me. She didn’t know about Father and Maria, so I choked back the words. I gave him a dirty look and told Anna about his surprise.
“Oh Daddy!” Anna took the flowers that he had gathered and gushed about how we could wrap them in tissue paper and tie ribbon around them. “You are the sweetest Daddy in the world!”
Father looked at me sadly and then glanced down at my shirt. I realized that I still had one sock stuffed in my bra, and ran off in embarrassment. I hated him for hurting my Mama, hated him for being so thoughtful, and hated myself for ever walking in on him with the maid in the first place.
“There she is, Miss America…” Penny sang as Anna and I made a big debut. A fresh pair of socks were propped inside my frilly dress and my feet shook as I tried to balance in a pair of Mama’s heels. Anna, who was used to walking in painful shoes already, did a spin and flashed a plastic well-practiced smile.
Mama laughed and applauded as Father came over, handed us our bundles of flowers, and placed shiny gem stone tiaras on our heads. I didn’t meet his eyes, instead I kept my gaze fixed on Mama. She could have been Miss America if she had wanted.
We ate junk food and commented on the contestants. Of course, Miss South Carolina was our favorite! Father eventually had enough and headed upstairs to watch something less girly. Mama hugged his neck and gave him a kiss goodnight. I wondered why she would want to kiss the man who had made her cry only a few hours before.
“Good night, Addy.” Father adjusted my crown and smiled. “Good night, Anna.”
“Goodnight, Daddy!” she said, not taking her eyes off of the TV.
A commercial came on and Penny informed us that it was time for us to perform our talents! I wasn’t in the mood to perform, but had already agreed to. “Up first,” Mama announced, “Anna Belle Banks!”
Anna stood up, adjusted her dress, and steadied herself before gulping in a big mouth full of air and singing the national anthem. She sounded okay, but I knew I could out-sing her! Anna screeched out her final note and we all clapped and cheered as she took a big dramatic bow.
“Our next contestant is Adeline Mae Banks.” Penny sounded like a real MC.
I stood up, prepared to sing, but decided to tell jokes instead. “How do you kill a dumb blonde?”
Penny’s hand flew to her blonde locks as she asked “How?”
“Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool!” I grinned.
They all laughed, but Penny poked our her lip and braced herself for the next joke.
“Why did the dumb blonde get fired from the M & M factory?”
“Why?” Anna exclaimed
“She ate all of the Ws!” I couldn’t help but giggle at the thought of someone doing this.
Mama and Anna, who were as brunette as it comes, laughed loudly. Penny tried not to laugh, but couldn‘t help herself.
“Last but not least… How did the dumb blonde burn her ear?”
“How?” Penny raised her fists jokingly.
“The phone rang while she was ironing!” I smiled, took a little bow, and settled back in on the couch beside Mama just in time for the pageant to come back on.
“Hey Addy,” Penny sat up and looked at me, “You’re hair is blonde too!”
I hadn’t thought of that!
“I’m going to be Miss America someday,” Anna, even at eleven was completely sure of herself. She did a turn and slung her hair over her shoulder with the confidence of a real pageant contestant. “I need to get the walk down pat.”
“Maybe you’ll have real boobs by then.” I smiled snidely.
“Maybe you will too.” Anna stuck her tongue out at me.
“Let me try those things on.” I reached for her training bra and she crossed her arms over her chest, cat like reflexes.
“Get your own!”
I pulled my adidas tennis shoes from my feet and peeled the damp socks off. They left red ridges on my feet and legs. I rolled the white socks up into a perfect little ball and stuffed them in my shirt. It wouldn’t be the first time I had put socks in my under clothes! The mounds looked funny and Anna and I laughed.
“Too tight.” Anna reached into my shirt and fixed the shape, stuffing them back in proudly. “Va va voom!”
I stood up and pranced around like I had seen Anna do. She whistled and clapped. We tip-toed down the hall toward Mama’s room. We wanted to see if she would notice my newly endowed figure. “You go first!” I whispered.
Anna slung open the door and sashayed in. Penny, who was down for our Miss America Viewing Party that night, was consoling Mama. Mama had tears streaming down her face. She looked down right miserable.
“What’s wrong Mama?” Anna asked, forgetting about our game.
“Nothing honey, nothing.” Mama wiped her face and sat down on the bed. I knew exactly what was wrong. Father had done something to her! I should have known that she would find out about what he and Maria had done in the study. I pulled a sock from my shirt and threw it against the wall before running out. I was going to give Father a piece of my mind!
I searched the house for him, but he was nowhere to be found. I ran out onto the porch and saw that he was gathering flowers in the garden. “What are you doing?” I yelled as I stomped over.
“Making bouquets for the party tonight! I thought you and Anna would want to feel like Miss America.” Father smiled broadly, ignoring the anger in my voice. “I was going to surprise you, but I also bought tiaras.”
I wanted to be mad at Father, but as usual he was being too nice for me to scream at. Just as I found the meanest words that I had inside of me, Anna came out onto the lawn behind me. She didn’t know about Father and Maria, so I choked back the words. I gave him a dirty look and told Anna about his surprise.
“Oh Daddy!” Anna took the flowers that he had gathered and gushed about how we could wrap them in tissue paper and tie ribbon around them. “You are the sweetest Daddy in the world!”
Father looked at me sadly and then glanced down at my shirt. I realized that I still had one sock stuffed in my bra, and ran off in embarrassment. I hated him for hurting my Mama, hated him for being so thoughtful, and hated myself for ever walking in on him with the maid in the first place.
***
“There she is, Miss America…” Penny sang as Anna and I made a big debut. A fresh pair of socks were propped inside my frilly dress and my feet shook as I tried to balance in a pair of Mama’s heels. Anna, who was used to walking in painful shoes already, did a spin and flashed a plastic well-practiced smile.
Mama laughed and applauded as Father came over, handed us our bundles of flowers, and placed shiny gem stone tiaras on our heads. I didn’t meet his eyes, instead I kept my gaze fixed on Mama. She could have been Miss America if she had wanted.
We ate junk food and commented on the contestants. Of course, Miss South Carolina was our favorite! Father eventually had enough and headed upstairs to watch something less girly. Mama hugged his neck and gave him a kiss goodnight. I wondered why she would want to kiss the man who had made her cry only a few hours before.
“Good night, Addy.” Father adjusted my crown and smiled. “Good night, Anna.”
“Goodnight, Daddy!” she said, not taking her eyes off of the TV.
A commercial came on and Penny informed us that it was time for us to perform our talents! I wasn’t in the mood to perform, but had already agreed to. “Up first,” Mama announced, “Anna Belle Banks!”
Anna stood up, adjusted her dress, and steadied herself before gulping in a big mouth full of air and singing the national anthem. She sounded okay, but I knew I could out-sing her! Anna screeched out her final note and we all clapped and cheered as she took a big dramatic bow.
“Our next contestant is Adeline Mae Banks.” Penny sounded like a real MC.
I stood up, prepared to sing, but decided to tell jokes instead. “How do you kill a dumb blonde?”
Penny’s hand flew to her blonde locks as she asked “How?”
“Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool!” I grinned.
They all laughed, but Penny poked our her lip and braced herself for the next joke.
“Why did the dumb blonde get fired from the M & M factory?”
“Why?” Anna exclaimed
“She ate all of the Ws!” I couldn’t help but giggle at the thought of someone doing this.
Mama and Anna, who were as brunette as it comes, laughed loudly. Penny tried not to laugh, but couldn‘t help herself.
“Last but not least… How did the dumb blonde burn her ear?”
“How?” Penny raised her fists jokingly.
“The phone rang while she was ironing!” I smiled, took a little bow, and settled back in on the couch beside Mama just in time for the pageant to come back on.
“Hey Addy,” Penny sat up and looked at me, “You’re hair is blonde too!”
I hadn’t thought of that!
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Forty Four
“I called Father, he is sending my car.” I chewed the grilled chicken that Penny had made for lunch. “Your curtains look good!”
“You called him? Oh, and thanks.” Penny seemed surprised.
“I did. I read Mama’s next letter and she asked me to call him. So I called him and asked for my car. I’m mailing my keys to him.” I wondered if the keys were even still out in the mailbox, I hadn’t bothered checking.
“So you aren’t mad at your Mama?” Penny put another roll on my plate.
“I’m not sure. It wasn’t her fault that I couldn’t see her faults. I’m not exactly mad, just kind of lost.” I didn’t know how to explain the things I felt.
“Well, I’m proud of you. You’re changing.”
“I guess I kind of am.” Something inside of me was very different from before. Even though I had not healed yet from losing my Mama, or from gaining my Father, I was feeling better about things in general. “Thanks for lunch! I’m heading back out.”
“Have fun.” Penny handed me the sun block and sent me on my way. I tucked it in my bag, still determined not to use it, and headed back out into the heat of summer. My stack of letters were dwindling down, and I wondered how many more secrets Mama had in store for me-- none I hoped.
After another hour or two in the sun, I wasn’t keeping count, Penny came out and set up her chair beside me. “You finished making changes to that perfect little cottage?”
“Yeah, I think I’ll leave the rest. I might rip out the cabinets.” Penny smiled, knowing that I was against changing anything in the first place.
“You better not! It’s not like you’ll live there permanently, just leave it alone!” Penny had at least four houses around the South East. Couldn't she just leave this one alone?
“I just want it to look good for the party tomorrow night!” Penny sipped her beer and yawned. “I was up all night cleaning.”
“I figured you would be!” I took her beer from the cup holder and had a sip, cringing at the after taste.
“Want to go shopping with me tomorrow?” Penny loved an excuse to shop.
I had a whole closet full of unworn clothes, but for some reason agreed to go. “Who all is coming to this party anyway?”
“Everyone who is anyone will be there!” Penny smiled. I kind of hoped that Father would be there, but didn’t ask. I actually wanted to see him for the first time in years.
By the time the sun went down, my skin was on fire. I was red, felt nauseas, and my body was hot to the touch. “Ohhhh, what was I thinking?” I asked myself as I slipped out of the clothes that were too painful to wear.
I turned on the TV and eased myself down onto the couch. The cool fabric against my naked body soothed the sting. I had wanted to feel pain and had definitely gotten my wish. I must have been a sight! Lying there red with white stripes where my bathing suit had been, answering Jeopardy questions aloud. After awhile I fell asleep. It had been a long day.
“Addy?” Junior was standing above me, wide-eyed.
“Junior?” I opened my eyes and tried to sit up, the pain jolted me back to my senses. He hadn't planned to come over and I was surprised to see him! “I didn’t know you were coming.”
“I called, but you didn’t answer. Are you sunburned?” Junior took special care to stare directly into my eyes.
“Oh!” I looked down and realized that I was as bare as the day I was born. “Throw me that blanket?”
Junior did as he was told, and the blanket felt like knives against my skin. “Have you put anything on it?”
“No.” I sighed. I couldn’t imagine slathering anything over it. Why had I done this to myself?
“I’ll go see if Penny has anything for it.”
“Okay.” I managed to stand up and head up to the bedroom for some clothes. In other circumstances I would have been embarrassed about the fact that Junior saw me as naked as a jaybird, but as my skin shriveled up and died, I didn’t have the presence of mind to care.
“Penny had aloe and ibuprofen.” Junior called up the stairs.
“I can’t come back down.” I called, slipping into a button up shirt and panties before lying on the bed. I closed it around me, but didn’t button it. “I’m decent now.”
Junior came in and made a sad face. I looked pitiful. “Take this.” He set a pill on my tongue and put a bottle of water to my lips, a stream of water trickled down my neck and chest.
“Thank you.” I tried to smile.
“You crazy girl.” Junior climbed into bed beside me, keeping his distance. “I should have called you and reminded you to wear sunscreen. Didn’t know I needed to!”
“I did it on purpose. Coping mechanism for a girl who is too chicken to cut.” I had always heard about the people who cut little slits into their skin to release the pain through pain, and could never imagine doing it. Maybe this was my own way of releasing pain through pain. I wasn’t really sure.
“Shhh. Don’t say that, Addy.” Junior probably thought I was crazy. If I wasn't careful I was going to scare him away.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what has gotten into me.” I mumbled. I almost felt drunk from the sun. Junior was still keeping his distance.
“You need to put this aloe on.” He squeezed some into his hand and dabbed it on his cheeks and nose. He had gotten some sun at soccer camp too.
I took the bottle and squeezed the cold blue aloe into my palms. It smelled like spearmint. I cringed as I slathered it on my red hot legs. I couldn’t hide the pain.
“Lie down.” He took the bottle from me and began to rub the radiant gel into my claret skin. “Relax.“ I watched as Junior slowly made his way up my body. His hands were strong and warm, yet his touch was soft and gentle. I had almost forgotten the pain that radiated from my skin. Junior’s eyes held mine as he respectfully pulled the shirt open and exposed my bare chest. He worked the lotion up my belly and sides, and around the white indicators of where my bikini had been. My skin was polka dotted with chill bumps and my nipples were hard little knobs. I could see the restraint that Junior was exercising, and felt safe. “Roll over.”
I did as I was told, sliding my arms out and leaving the shirt beneath me on the bed. Again, Junior started at the bottom and worked his way up, skillfully kneading my scarlet flesh. I felt his breath against my neck as he worked the aloe into my lower back. I couldn’t tell if the tingling sensation that I felt was from the aloe or from his hands. “Thank you.” I whispered.
Junior stayed silent. He held my hand in his, he was finished. I rolled over and looked at him. His chest was rising and falling with each breath that passed through his lips. He was such a gentleman and I told him so. Junior shook his head and closed his eyes. “If you only knew the things that I want to do to you, you wouldn’t call me a gentleman.”
I slid back into my shirt, buttoning it this time, and put my head on his shoulder. My skin was soothed, my heart was racing, and I realized that I wanted him to do the things that were in his mind. If I hadn’t been so tender and sore, I would have asked him to make love to me. Instead, I whispered “I love you.”
Junior kissed me gently, said “I love you too, Addy,” and held me close. He loved me too! The words kept replaying through my mind as I drifted off to sleep. Finally, I would never have to be alone again. Junior loved me too!
“You called him? Oh, and thanks.” Penny seemed surprised.
“I did. I read Mama’s next letter and she asked me to call him. So I called him and asked for my car. I’m mailing my keys to him.” I wondered if the keys were even still out in the mailbox, I hadn’t bothered checking.
“So you aren’t mad at your Mama?” Penny put another roll on my plate.
“I’m not sure. It wasn’t her fault that I couldn’t see her faults. I’m not exactly mad, just kind of lost.” I didn’t know how to explain the things I felt.
“Well, I’m proud of you. You’re changing.”
“I guess I kind of am.” Something inside of me was very different from before. Even though I had not healed yet from losing my Mama, or from gaining my Father, I was feeling better about things in general. “Thanks for lunch! I’m heading back out.”
“Have fun.” Penny handed me the sun block and sent me on my way. I tucked it in my bag, still determined not to use it, and headed back out into the heat of summer. My stack of letters were dwindling down, and I wondered how many more secrets Mama had in store for me-- none I hoped.
After another hour or two in the sun, I wasn’t keeping count, Penny came out and set up her chair beside me. “You finished making changes to that perfect little cottage?”
“Yeah, I think I’ll leave the rest. I might rip out the cabinets.” Penny smiled, knowing that I was against changing anything in the first place.
“You better not! It’s not like you’ll live there permanently, just leave it alone!” Penny had at least four houses around the South East. Couldn't she just leave this one alone?
“I just want it to look good for the party tomorrow night!” Penny sipped her beer and yawned. “I was up all night cleaning.”
“I figured you would be!” I took her beer from the cup holder and had a sip, cringing at the after taste.
“Want to go shopping with me tomorrow?” Penny loved an excuse to shop.
I had a whole closet full of unworn clothes, but for some reason agreed to go. “Who all is coming to this party anyway?”
“Everyone who is anyone will be there!” Penny smiled. I kind of hoped that Father would be there, but didn’t ask. I actually wanted to see him for the first time in years.
***
I turned on the TV and eased myself down onto the couch. The cool fabric against my naked body soothed the sting. I had wanted to feel pain and had definitely gotten my wish. I must have been a sight! Lying there red with white stripes where my bathing suit had been, answering Jeopardy questions aloud. After awhile I fell asleep. It had been a long day.
“Addy?” Junior was standing above me, wide-eyed.
“Junior?” I opened my eyes and tried to sit up, the pain jolted me back to my senses. He hadn't planned to come over and I was surprised to see him! “I didn’t know you were coming.”
“I called, but you didn’t answer. Are you sunburned?” Junior took special care to stare directly into my eyes.
“Oh!” I looked down and realized that I was as bare as the day I was born. “Throw me that blanket?”
Junior did as he was told, and the blanket felt like knives against my skin. “Have you put anything on it?”
“No.” I sighed. I couldn’t imagine slathering anything over it. Why had I done this to myself?
“I’ll go see if Penny has anything for it.”
“Okay.” I managed to stand up and head up to the bedroom for some clothes. In other circumstances I would have been embarrassed about the fact that Junior saw me as naked as a jaybird, but as my skin shriveled up and died, I didn’t have the presence of mind to care.
“Penny had aloe and ibuprofen.” Junior called up the stairs.
“I can’t come back down.” I called, slipping into a button up shirt and panties before lying on the bed. I closed it around me, but didn’t button it. “I’m decent now.”
Junior came in and made a sad face. I looked pitiful. “Take this.” He set a pill on my tongue and put a bottle of water to my lips, a stream of water trickled down my neck and chest.
“Thank you.” I tried to smile.
“You crazy girl.” Junior climbed into bed beside me, keeping his distance. “I should have called you and reminded you to wear sunscreen. Didn’t know I needed to!”
“I did it on purpose. Coping mechanism for a girl who is too chicken to cut.” I had always heard about the people who cut little slits into their skin to release the pain through pain, and could never imagine doing it. Maybe this was my own way of releasing pain through pain. I wasn’t really sure.
“Shhh. Don’t say that, Addy.” Junior probably thought I was crazy. If I wasn't careful I was going to scare him away.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what has gotten into me.” I mumbled. I almost felt drunk from the sun. Junior was still keeping his distance.
“You need to put this aloe on.” He squeezed some into his hand and dabbed it on his cheeks and nose. He had gotten some sun at soccer camp too.
I took the bottle and squeezed the cold blue aloe into my palms. It smelled like spearmint. I cringed as I slathered it on my red hot legs. I couldn’t hide the pain.
“Lie down.” He took the bottle from me and began to rub the radiant gel into my claret skin. “Relax.“ I watched as Junior slowly made his way up my body. His hands were strong and warm, yet his touch was soft and gentle. I had almost forgotten the pain that radiated from my skin. Junior’s eyes held mine as he respectfully pulled the shirt open and exposed my bare chest. He worked the lotion up my belly and sides, and around the white indicators of where my bikini had been. My skin was polka dotted with chill bumps and my nipples were hard little knobs. I could see the restraint that Junior was exercising, and felt safe. “Roll over.”
I did as I was told, sliding my arms out and leaving the shirt beneath me on the bed. Again, Junior started at the bottom and worked his way up, skillfully kneading my scarlet flesh. I felt his breath against my neck as he worked the aloe into my lower back. I couldn’t tell if the tingling sensation that I felt was from the aloe or from his hands. “Thank you.” I whispered.
Junior stayed silent. He held my hand in his, he was finished. I rolled over and looked at him. His chest was rising and falling with each breath that passed through his lips. He was such a gentleman and I told him so. Junior shook his head and closed his eyes. “If you only knew the things that I want to do to you, you wouldn’t call me a gentleman.”
I slid back into my shirt, buttoning it this time, and put my head on his shoulder. My skin was soothed, my heart was racing, and I realized that I wanted him to do the things that were in his mind. If I hadn’t been so tender and sore, I would have asked him to make love to me. Instead, I whispered “I love you.”
Junior kissed me gently, said “I love you too, Addy,” and held me close. He loved me too! The words kept replaying through my mind as I drifted off to sleep. Finally, I would never have to be alone again. Junior loved me too!
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Forty Three
“Maria?” I was in the kitchen, right under her feet.
“Yes, Addy?” Maria’s hands were covered in flour, she was making biscuits and was too nice to kick me out.
“Do you think in Spanish?” I was nine and had recently become one of Maria’s biggest fans. She called me her “compañ ero de poco” or “little side kick.”
“Sometimes.” Maria always answered my silly questions.
“When?” I was intrigued.
“If I upset.” Maria kneaded the dough with her short stubby fingers.
“I always think in English.” I frowned.
“Because it is your only language, silly girl!” Maria laughed heartily.
Mama came into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of lemonade. “Smells wonderful, Maria!”
“Thank you.” Maria said with a nod.
“Want to go for a walk, Addy?” Mama extended her hand in my direction and I gladly took it.
“Adios, Maria!” I dramatically rolled my “R’s” and headed out into the afternoon sun with Mama.
We walked silently, our hands swinging between us. Mama had a pleasant smirk fixed across her face, and I felt like singing. Have you ever been happy with no idea why? That is how I felt. My heart was smiling almost as big as my mouth was. I saw the giant oak tree up ahead and took off running. Father tied an old tire up with rope, and I loved swinging in it. “Push me?”
“Of course.” Mama slipped her shoes off and ran toward me. We wasted the afternoon together. Smiling, swinging, sweating, and singing.
“Mama, do you think I’ll ever fall in love?”
“Of course you will. You’ll find the most handsome man and he’ll love you more than anything.” Mama sounded so sure of it. “He’ll take good care of you.”
“How will I know who he is?” I hoped there was an easy way.
“You won’t. You’ll feel it though. When you look at him, you’ll melt. You’ll smile for no reason. You’ll want to be around him every second of every day. You’ll get butterflies in your stomach.” She made is sound so wonderful. “You’ll just know.”
“Does Daddy give you butterflies?” I could see in Father’s eyes how much he loved her. She looked down and didn’t answer for awhile. I imagined that she was thinking about how wonderful her husband was. Maybe she was even feeling butterflies right then just thinking about him.
“Sometimes.” Mama stood up and held her hand out. “Let’s go get washed up for supper.”
“Did you know that Maria thinks in Spanish sometimes?” I asked Father at the dinner table.
Father laughed enthusiastically before shushing me. “Don’t say that too loud.”
“Oh, she knows I know! She told me.” My eyes were wide with innocence, not understanding what he meant. “Maria!”
“Honey, she’s busy.” Mama had been talking to Anna and did not hear my conversation with Father.
“Yes?” Maria pushed through the swinging door to the dining room, wiping her hands on a dish towel.
“Don’t you think in Spanish?”
Maria looked embarrassed and Father shot me a look. “Si, senorita.” Maria smiled through the redness that was rising in her cheeks. We all laughed and after she headed back into the kitchen Father found a gentle way to explain that I shouldn’t talk so openly about the things that people tell me in private. It made sense.
“Addy, the bottom line is that you shouldn’t pick on Maria.” Mama warned.
“I’m not picking on her. I wish I could think in Spanish.”
“You can.” Father still seemed amused by my fascination. “Close your eyes.” I did as I was told, not knowing how he would magically make me think in Spanish. “Count to ten in Spanish, but do it in your head.” I squeezed my eyes tight and began. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco… “You’re doing it!”
“How can you tell?” I was confused.
“Your fingers.” The whole table erupted in laughter and I realized that my hands were spread in front of my face.
“You’re crazy!” Anna giggled.
“I know.” I laughed, proud of that fact that I could think in another language.
“Yes, Addy?” Maria’s hands were covered in flour, she was making biscuits and was too nice to kick me out.
“Do you think in Spanish?” I was nine and had recently become one of Maria’s biggest fans. She called me her “compañ ero de poco” or “little side kick.”
“Sometimes.” Maria always answered my silly questions.
“When?” I was intrigued.
“If I upset.” Maria kneaded the dough with her short stubby fingers.
“I always think in English.” I frowned.
“Because it is your only language, silly girl!” Maria laughed heartily.
Mama came into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of lemonade. “Smells wonderful, Maria!”
“Thank you.” Maria said with a nod.
“Want to go for a walk, Addy?” Mama extended her hand in my direction and I gladly took it.
“Adios, Maria!” I dramatically rolled my “R’s” and headed out into the afternoon sun with Mama.
We walked silently, our hands swinging between us. Mama had a pleasant smirk fixed across her face, and I felt like singing. Have you ever been happy with no idea why? That is how I felt. My heart was smiling almost as big as my mouth was. I saw the giant oak tree up ahead and took off running. Father tied an old tire up with rope, and I loved swinging in it. “Push me?”
“Of course.” Mama slipped her shoes off and ran toward me. We wasted the afternoon together. Smiling, swinging, sweating, and singing.
“Mama, do you think I’ll ever fall in love?”
“Of course you will. You’ll find the most handsome man and he’ll love you more than anything.” Mama sounded so sure of it. “He’ll take good care of you.”
“How will I know who he is?” I hoped there was an easy way.
“You won’t. You’ll feel it though. When you look at him, you’ll melt. You’ll smile for no reason. You’ll want to be around him every second of every day. You’ll get butterflies in your stomach.” She made is sound so wonderful. “You’ll just know.”
“Does Daddy give you butterflies?” I could see in Father’s eyes how much he loved her. She looked down and didn’t answer for awhile. I imagined that she was thinking about how wonderful her husband was. Maybe she was even feeling butterflies right then just thinking about him.
“Sometimes.” Mama stood up and held her hand out. “Let’s go get washed up for supper.”
***
“Did you know that Maria thinks in Spanish sometimes?” I asked Father at the dinner table.
Father laughed enthusiastically before shushing me. “Don’t say that too loud.”
“Oh, she knows I know! She told me.” My eyes were wide with innocence, not understanding what he meant. “Maria!”
“Honey, she’s busy.” Mama had been talking to Anna and did not hear my conversation with Father.
“Yes?” Maria pushed through the swinging door to the dining room, wiping her hands on a dish towel.
“Don’t you think in Spanish?”
Maria looked embarrassed and Father shot me a look. “Si, senorita.” Maria smiled through the redness that was rising in her cheeks. We all laughed and after she headed back into the kitchen Father found a gentle way to explain that I shouldn’t talk so openly about the things that people tell me in private. It made sense.
“Addy, the bottom line is that you shouldn’t pick on Maria.” Mama warned.
“I’m not picking on her. I wish I could think in Spanish.”
“You can.” Father still seemed amused by my fascination. “Close your eyes.” I did as I was told, not knowing how he would magically make me think in Spanish. “Count to ten in Spanish, but do it in your head.” I squeezed my eyes tight and began. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco… “You’re doing it!”
“How can you tell?” I was confused.
“Your fingers.” The whole table erupted in laughter and I realized that my hands were spread in front of my face.
“You’re crazy!” Anna giggled.
“I know.” I laughed, proud of that fact that I could think in another language.
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Forty Two
Junior was leading a three day soccer camp and wasn’t going to be around much. He promised to be at Penny’s house warming party Friday, but unfortunately between Penny moving out and Junior ditching me for six year olds, I was going to be alone with my thoughts for awhile.
I put on my bathing suit, and headed over to the green cottage to see if Penny could come out to play. “I’m so busy, honey. I’m sorry. I ordered all new curtains and they’ll be here to install them in a little while.”
“You could leave the door unlocked for them....” I suggested, laughing at the fact that she was already redecorating the house.
“Oh you go have a good time! I’ll have you some lunch ready when you get back.” Penny shooed me out the door before I could even get in it.
The beach was basically empty, all the weekend visitors had headed back to their nine to fives and left only a few faithful beach bums. The ocean stretched farther than I could imagine and I felt like I was seeing it for the first time. The deep blues faded into grays and then into sky. The waves crashed in white explosions on the shore. I closed my eyes and breathed in the salty breeze. What had gotten into me? Was this what it felt like to be in love? Was I in love with Junior?
The sun beat down on me, I knew Anna would fuss about my lack of sunscreen, but I didn’t want protection. I wanted to lie on the beach and get red and crisp. It had been years since I had felt the sting of a sunburn, and for some crazy reason I wanted to. I needed to hurt. Pain would remind me that I was alive, pain would prove that this love I felt for Junior was real instead of a dream, pain would merge my outside with my insides. I hurt. I hurt for Mama-- it must have been so hard to for her to shatter my faith in her. I hurt for Father-- all the awful things I had done to him over the years. I hurt for Penny-- she was stranded here wiping up the mess that Mama had made. I hurt for Anna-- she had never had the sister she deserved. I hurt for Junior-- he had no idea what he was getting himself into with me.
I rolled over, buried my face in my towel, and cried. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was crying about, but I cried anyway. I thought about Father and how much I had loved him when I was a little girl. I wanted to love him again. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry, but didn’t know where to start. Why hadn’t I seen his innocence? Why hadn’t I seen Mama’s guilt? How in the world was I ever going to find peace? Suddenly I realized that it was time to read another letter. I had to keep the process moving. It was time to hear from Mama again.
I headed inside, still covered in sand. The letters were right where I left them. I hoped that Mama had some explanation for the lies that she hadn’t even bothered to tell me. I needed answers, even if they caused me more pain. I took my next daily dose back out into the sun, settled back in on my towel, and braced myself for impact.
Sweet Adeline,
Do you remember when your Daddy used to sing you that song? I don’t know if I ever told you why we named you Adeline. When I was pregnant with you, I got so big that I couldn’t sleep at night. Robert used to sing me to sleep. It was the only thing that worked! When I was in labor with you, I was in so much pain that he instinctively started singing to me to calm me down… He sang the first thing that came to mind-- Sweet Adeline. It was the perfect name for our perfect baby girl.
Addy, I’m so sorry. I know you must hate me for what I did. I know you don’t understand why I sat back and watched you hate your Daddy for being unfaithful all while I was being unfaithful myself. I just never found the words and never found the courage to tell you. I love Robert. You may not believe it, but it is true. I love him, no matter what I did. I had room in my heart for two, and I’m sorry that you had to find out this way. I’m sorry that you are finding out after I’m already gone.
Now do you see why I’ve asked you to give him a second chance? He deserves your love. He deserves it far more than I ever did. Call your Father, Addy. Call him and let him in again. He never stopped loving you.
I put on my bathing suit, and headed over to the green cottage to see if Penny could come out to play. “I’m so busy, honey. I’m sorry. I ordered all new curtains and they’ll be here to install them in a little while.”
“You could leave the door unlocked for them....” I suggested, laughing at the fact that she was already redecorating the house.
“Oh you go have a good time! I’ll have you some lunch ready when you get back.” Penny shooed me out the door before I could even get in it.
The beach was basically empty, all the weekend visitors had headed back to their nine to fives and left only a few faithful beach bums. The ocean stretched farther than I could imagine and I felt like I was seeing it for the first time. The deep blues faded into grays and then into sky. The waves crashed in white explosions on the shore. I closed my eyes and breathed in the salty breeze. What had gotten into me? Was this what it felt like to be in love? Was I in love with Junior?
The sun beat down on me, I knew Anna would fuss about my lack of sunscreen, but I didn’t want protection. I wanted to lie on the beach and get red and crisp. It had been years since I had felt the sting of a sunburn, and for some crazy reason I wanted to. I needed to hurt. Pain would remind me that I was alive, pain would prove that this love I felt for Junior was real instead of a dream, pain would merge my outside with my insides. I hurt. I hurt for Mama-- it must have been so hard to for her to shatter my faith in her. I hurt for Father-- all the awful things I had done to him over the years. I hurt for Penny-- she was stranded here wiping up the mess that Mama had made. I hurt for Anna-- she had never had the sister she deserved. I hurt for Junior-- he had no idea what he was getting himself into with me.
I rolled over, buried my face in my towel, and cried. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was crying about, but I cried anyway. I thought about Father and how much I had loved him when I was a little girl. I wanted to love him again. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry, but didn’t know where to start. Why hadn’t I seen his innocence? Why hadn’t I seen Mama’s guilt? How in the world was I ever going to find peace? Suddenly I realized that it was time to read another letter. I had to keep the process moving. It was time to hear from Mama again.
I headed inside, still covered in sand. The letters were right where I left them. I hoped that Mama had some explanation for the lies that she hadn’t even bothered to tell me. I needed answers, even if they caused me more pain. I took my next daily dose back out into the sun, settled back in on my towel, and braced myself for impact.
Sweet Adeline,
Do you remember when your Daddy used to sing you that song? I don’t know if I ever told you why we named you Adeline. When I was pregnant with you, I got so big that I couldn’t sleep at night. Robert used to sing me to sleep. It was the only thing that worked! When I was in labor with you, I was in so much pain that he instinctively started singing to me to calm me down… He sang the first thing that came to mind-- Sweet Adeline. It was the perfect name for our perfect baby girl.
Addy, I’m so sorry. I know you must hate me for what I did. I know you don’t understand why I sat back and watched you hate your Daddy for being unfaithful all while I was being unfaithful myself. I just never found the words and never found the courage to tell you. I love Robert. You may not believe it, but it is true. I love him, no matter what I did. I had room in my heart for two, and I’m sorry that you had to find out this way. I’m sorry that you are finding out after I’m already gone.
Now do you see why I’ve asked you to give him a second chance? He deserves your love. He deserves it far more than I ever did. Call your Father, Addy. Call him and let him in again. He never stopped loving you.
All for now and all my love,
Mama
"Adeline?" Father's voice was warmer than I remembered. I did as I was told and called Father.
"Hey." I said, for lack of anything better to say.
"How are you doing?"
"I'm okay." It felt awkward. I didn't know what to say. "So, I was wondering if you could have my car sent to the beach house? I can mail the keys."
"Sure, send them out today and I'll take care of it."
"Okay, I'll mail them after lunch. Thanks." I was glad to hear his voice, but was not ready to mention the letters. I needed more time. "See you later, okay?"
"You're welcome. See you later, Adeline." I hung up the phone, my hand lingering on the receiver. I may have been taking baby steps, but they were steps in the right direction. I felt a weight lift off of my soul as I headed next door for lunch with Penny.
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Forty One
I sat alone in the cafeteria at Penn State, surrounded by other students who barely even noticed I was there. As I did every day, I watched the other students laugh and talk. I was literally the only student in the the whole place that was unaccompanied. I dipped my chicken finger in ketchup and realized how alone I was. It wasn’t that I wanted friends, but I at least wanted the chance to turn friends down. As a child, anytime other children approached me to play, talk, or hang out, I turned them down. Now, no one even noticed that I existed, and I hadn’t had the chance to turn friends down in years. I wondered if I was unapproachable and decided that I most definitely was.
I was almost back to my dorm when a golf cart pulled up behind me. I sped up, but no matter how fast I went the hum of the golf cart stayed directly behind me. I slid to one side of the path and felt the golf cart slide to the side too. I didn’t want to turn around and see who it was, afraid that my lunch time thoughts about being friendless had somehow attracted some crazy person wanting to be my friend. I willed myself to look straight ahead and stay calm, but just as I went to cut across the grass toward my building I heard someone clearing their throat repeatedly behind me.
“You going to ignore us?” A familiar voice asked.
I turned around to see Mama and Penny squeezed in beside a security guard waving. “What in the world?” I asked, relieved.
“This will be fine,” Mama told the young hunky guard, patting him on the back and getting out of the cart. “Thank you!”
“You’re welcome ma’am.” He waved at them as he pulled away, he had obviously enjoyed their company.
“What are y’all doing here?” I hugged them both.
“We were looking for somewhere to go and decided that this was as good a place as any!” Penny and Mama were the craziest pair of friends I could have ever asked for.
“Where will you stay? I have class at two.” I wasn’t willing to miss English for their shenanigans, especially not if I ever wanted to be a published writer. “Do you have a hotel?”
“You’ve got a dorm room don’t you?” Mama knew good and well that she wouldn’t last long in a dorm. She was used to being waited on hand and foot, especially now that Anna and I were in college and she traveled so much.
“You two want to sleep in my room? I have one twin bed.” I punched the code into the system and held the heavy metal door open for them.
“We can get a hotel.” Penny was slightly more sensible than Mama.
“Well I at least want to see your room. We can hang out there until you get out of class at three.”
“Try five.” I corrected.
“Two to five? My gracious!” It had been a long time since Mama had been to college.
“Yes, but I don’t have another class until tomorrow afternoon. I guess I could stay at the hotel with you two?” I could use a break from the rowdy girls next door who jumped around and danced all night.
“Sounds like a plan! We’ll stay in your room until five and then we’ll head out!”
“It’s a plan.” I opened the door to my room and let them head in before me. I was thankful that I had straightened up and had made my bed before my morning class. Mama and Penny gushed over how nice the comforter set that Mama had sent up looked and how cute my bulletin board was. Most college girls had bulletin boards covered in pictures of all their friends, I wasn’t most college girls though. Mine had photographs of old movie stars and bands and a collection of first class plane ticket stubs that were reminders of all the places I had been.
After class, I threw my bag over my shoulders and hurried back to my room, knowing that Penny and Mama were probably bored out of their minds already. I was excited about getting away for the night, and knew that Mama and Penny would cheer me up! They had always managed to before.
I heard the music from next door thumping away and the girls were already laughing hysterically. “God, it’s only five fifteen.” I said to myself as I unlocked my door. I stopped dead in my tracks! The dresser that I had strategically placed in front of the door that adjoined my room with the party animals’ room was pushed aside and the door was open. The girls were sitting on my bed, at my desk, and were coming and going as they pleased.
“Hey honey!” Mama was sitting in the floor having her hair braided into tiny corn rows by the blonde girl who had never bothered looking my direction as we passed in the hall every day.
I just stood frozen until a little Chinese girl came and led me over to the desk. “We’ll paint your nails, Addy!”
“It’s Adeline.” I mumbled as I followed her to the desk and sat down as I was told.
“Isn’t it great?” Penny set a Diet Coke on the desk beside me and grinned. “We were rearranging your room and met these fine girls.”
I looked around at the new set up and took a deep breath. “Don’t move your hand!” the stranger warned as she slid a brush covered in red across my short bare nails. I wanted to be mad, but instead endured the little party that Mama and Penny had gotten me into. They were obviously trying to find me some friends.
“Truth or dare?” The blonde girl had finished Mama’s micro braids and finally acknowledged my presence.
“Truth.” I had never played truth or dare before, but could only imagine the crazy dares that these immature girls would come up with.
“Is it true that you…” She searched her roommates and friends’ faces for ideas about what to ask. One of them whispered something in her ear and she smiled. “That you are having an affair with Dr. Nalik? I heard you were the only one with an A in his class last semester!”
I was taken aback. Dr. Nalik? An affair? I felt my face grow hot and the entire room busted out laughing, including Penny and Mama. “She’s only joking!” One of them assured me. “Have you never played truth or dare? Half the time the questions are crazy, especially when you don‘t know anything about the person!”
“Oh.” I was embarrassed. I couldn’t wait for the girls to leave and made an excuse about having a headache.
“Well we’ve got more friends coming anyway, we better go set up twister!” They gathered their things and promised to come back soon. Penny helped them carry their baskets full of hair supplies and finger nail polish back to their room.
“You look great, Addy!” Mama told the rest of the girls goodbye and closed the door between the rooms. I felt silly, I was covered in makeup, had big curly hair, had red finger nails and zebra print toe nails. I felt like a fish out of water around those girls. We had nothing in common and thank goodness for that! They were exactly the opposite of what I wanted to be. They were more caught up in having fun than they were in their futures.
“Nice girls.” Penny came back through the door, she looked like she had thoroughly enjoyed herself.
“Better pack a bag, Ad.” Mama was studying the amazing swirls that the brunette art student had painted on her nails.
I headed over to the dresser, pulled out the clothes that I needed for the night, and then pushed it back in front of the door. Penny and Mama exchanged glances, realizing that I hadn’t said a word in the last five minutes, and finally acknowledged the fact that I was unhappy. “Oh, hope you’re not mad.” Penny handed me a duffel bag and I slid the clothes inside.
“I’m not mad, I’m just ready to go.” I turned out the lights and waited for them to head into the hall behind me. It was nearly nine o’clock and I was ready to curl up in a king sized luxuriously made bed and sleep off the headache that the smell of nail polish and the giddy sound of laughter had given me. I felt like the adult, instead of the sophomore in college and realized that Penny and Mama were ridiculous!
I was almost back to my dorm when a golf cart pulled up behind me. I sped up, but no matter how fast I went the hum of the golf cart stayed directly behind me. I slid to one side of the path and felt the golf cart slide to the side too. I didn’t want to turn around and see who it was, afraid that my lunch time thoughts about being friendless had somehow attracted some crazy person wanting to be my friend. I willed myself to look straight ahead and stay calm, but just as I went to cut across the grass toward my building I heard someone clearing their throat repeatedly behind me.
“You going to ignore us?” A familiar voice asked.
I turned around to see Mama and Penny squeezed in beside a security guard waving. “What in the world?” I asked, relieved.
“This will be fine,” Mama told the young hunky guard, patting him on the back and getting out of the cart. “Thank you!”
“You’re welcome ma’am.” He waved at them as he pulled away, he had obviously enjoyed their company.
“What are y’all doing here?” I hugged them both.
“We were looking for somewhere to go and decided that this was as good a place as any!” Penny and Mama were the craziest pair of friends I could have ever asked for.
“Where will you stay? I have class at two.” I wasn’t willing to miss English for their shenanigans, especially not if I ever wanted to be a published writer. “Do you have a hotel?”
“You’ve got a dorm room don’t you?” Mama knew good and well that she wouldn’t last long in a dorm. She was used to being waited on hand and foot, especially now that Anna and I were in college and she traveled so much.
“You two want to sleep in my room? I have one twin bed.” I punched the code into the system and held the heavy metal door open for them.
“We can get a hotel.” Penny was slightly more sensible than Mama.
“Well I at least want to see your room. We can hang out there until you get out of class at three.”
“Try five.” I corrected.
“Two to five? My gracious!” It had been a long time since Mama had been to college.
“Yes, but I don’t have another class until tomorrow afternoon. I guess I could stay at the hotel with you two?” I could use a break from the rowdy girls next door who jumped around and danced all night.
“Sounds like a plan! We’ll stay in your room until five and then we’ll head out!”
“It’s a plan.” I opened the door to my room and let them head in before me. I was thankful that I had straightened up and had made my bed before my morning class. Mama and Penny gushed over how nice the comforter set that Mama had sent up looked and how cute my bulletin board was. Most college girls had bulletin boards covered in pictures of all their friends, I wasn’t most college girls though. Mine had photographs of old movie stars and bands and a collection of first class plane ticket stubs that were reminders of all the places I had been.
***
After class, I threw my bag over my shoulders and hurried back to my room, knowing that Penny and Mama were probably bored out of their minds already. I was excited about getting away for the night, and knew that Mama and Penny would cheer me up! They had always managed to before.
I heard the music from next door thumping away and the girls were already laughing hysterically. “God, it’s only five fifteen.” I said to myself as I unlocked my door. I stopped dead in my tracks! The dresser that I had strategically placed in front of the door that adjoined my room with the party animals’ room was pushed aside and the door was open. The girls were sitting on my bed, at my desk, and were coming and going as they pleased.
“Hey honey!” Mama was sitting in the floor having her hair braided into tiny corn rows by the blonde girl who had never bothered looking my direction as we passed in the hall every day.
I just stood frozen until a little Chinese girl came and led me over to the desk. “We’ll paint your nails, Addy!”
“It’s Adeline.” I mumbled as I followed her to the desk and sat down as I was told.
“Isn’t it great?” Penny set a Diet Coke on the desk beside me and grinned. “We were rearranging your room and met these fine girls.”
I looked around at the new set up and took a deep breath. “Don’t move your hand!” the stranger warned as she slid a brush covered in red across my short bare nails. I wanted to be mad, but instead endured the little party that Mama and Penny had gotten me into. They were obviously trying to find me some friends.
“Truth or dare?” The blonde girl had finished Mama’s micro braids and finally acknowledged my presence.
“Truth.” I had never played truth or dare before, but could only imagine the crazy dares that these immature girls would come up with.
“Is it true that you…” She searched her roommates and friends’ faces for ideas about what to ask. One of them whispered something in her ear and she smiled. “That you are having an affair with Dr. Nalik? I heard you were the only one with an A in his class last semester!”
I was taken aback. Dr. Nalik? An affair? I felt my face grow hot and the entire room busted out laughing, including Penny and Mama. “She’s only joking!” One of them assured me. “Have you never played truth or dare? Half the time the questions are crazy, especially when you don‘t know anything about the person!”
“Oh.” I was embarrassed. I couldn’t wait for the girls to leave and made an excuse about having a headache.
“Well we’ve got more friends coming anyway, we better go set up twister!” They gathered their things and promised to come back soon. Penny helped them carry their baskets full of hair supplies and finger nail polish back to their room.
“You look great, Addy!” Mama told the rest of the girls goodbye and closed the door between the rooms. I felt silly, I was covered in makeup, had big curly hair, had red finger nails and zebra print toe nails. I felt like a fish out of water around those girls. We had nothing in common and thank goodness for that! They were exactly the opposite of what I wanted to be. They were more caught up in having fun than they were in their futures.
“Nice girls.” Penny came back through the door, she looked like she had thoroughly enjoyed herself.
“Better pack a bag, Ad.” Mama was studying the amazing swirls that the brunette art student had painted on her nails.
I headed over to the dresser, pulled out the clothes that I needed for the night, and then pushed it back in front of the door. Penny and Mama exchanged glances, realizing that I hadn’t said a word in the last five minutes, and finally acknowledged the fact that I was unhappy. “Oh, hope you’re not mad.” Penny handed me a duffel bag and I slid the clothes inside.
“I’m not mad, I’m just ready to go.” I turned out the lights and waited for them to head into the hall behind me. It was nearly nine o’clock and I was ready to curl up in a king sized luxuriously made bed and sleep off the headache that the smell of nail polish and the giddy sound of laughter had given me. I felt like the adult, instead of the sophomore in college and realized that Penny and Mama were ridiculous!
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Forty
Junior left out early to pick his surfboard up from the diner and to head home for a shower. Penny made breakfast as usual and I couldn’t wait to eat. I had a horrible day but a wonderful night and thanks to Junior, was on cloud nine despite the fact that everything I had ever believed about Father and Mama was a lie.
“Sleep well?” Penny’s eyebrows danced up and down with insinuation. She set my plate in front of me and I attacked it like a wild dog. I hadn’t had a single bite to eat since the French toast from the diner. A full mouth was a good excuse not to answer her inquiry.
“We need to talk…” I took a big gulp of orange juice to wash my breakfast down. Penny’s eyes darted to the stack of letters on the counter. “Not about the letters, I haven’t read any more.”
“Oh,” Penny looked a little embarrassed.
“I don’t think anything Mama could write would surprise me now!” I laughed. “Anyway, I was just thinking about my apartment in Boston… I can’t expect the super to keep feeding the cats and I am sure there are a ton of bills piling up-- not to mention my job.”
“We can make arrangements and have it all taken care of, don’t worry.” Penny was used to setting things in motion, and didn’t see any reason why she couldn’t just send someone up to Boston to pick up Lennon and McCartney and to pay my bills.
“I don’t know, I just wonder how much longer I should stay.” I hadn’t really thought it over, but I couldn’t stay at the beach house forever.
“Your Mama left you this house, you know. She bought it with her own money and it is your’s now.” Penny reminded.
“But I can’t hide out here forever…”
“You aren’t hiding out. You are experiencing life! For the first time by the way. Besides, how could you leave Junior?” Penny knew exactly what to say. “You have more letters to read, you know the deal! Forget about Boston until you are finished with those. I’ll make arrangements to get your cats taken care of as well as your bills.”
“You sure you don’t mind?” There was no arguing with that.
“Not one bit. Oh, forgot to tell you! I bought a house yesterday!” Penny mentioned buying a house like it was a new pair of shoes or something else that you bought every little while.
“A house? Are you leaving me?” I knew I couldn’t do it alone, even with Junior around.
“Not leaving you, just giving you a little space. I bought the cottage next door. That’s where I went yesterday morning!” Penny seemed excited.
“The green one?” I had always liked the little green house next door, it was quaint and cozy. “What will I eat?”
“Oh, honey! We’re neighbors!”
“I don’t know about this, Penny.” I felt abandoned.
“Oh it will be fine, you’ll see. The house came furnished! You can scoot on over there and see it if you want!” She set the key on the counter and went back to loading the dish washer.
After helping Penny lug her bags over to her new place, I curled up in front of the TV. It was a dreary day, so I didn’t bother heading out onto the beach. The green cottage next door was adorable. It was just enough space and was very charming. Penny wasn’t abandoning me after all, she was just giving me some room to breathe and some privacy with Junior. I thought about all the times that Penny had vowed to find me a summer romance and realized that she finally had!
Junior was running a few errands and promised to pick dinner up and bring it over. I couldn’t wait to see him again, and couldn’t get his kisses out of my mind. He was too good to be true, but he was true. Not only was he handsome, but he was kind, gentle, smart, and perfect. He was everything I had never dared to imagine would find me.
I was alone for the first time since reading Father’s letter. I didn’t want to think about it yet, but had to. I had to face the fact that I spent my life hating a man who hadn’t done anything to begin with. I spent my life worshiping a false idol, who was really the one who was being unfaithful. It was a huge shock, and I didn’t know how to handle it! Should I apologize to Father? Should I hate Mama? I didn’t know where to start.
Penny called and informed me that she had already made arrangements to have my cats sent down and had paid all of my bills. I didn’t know what I would do without Penny. Penny remained Mama’s loyal friend, even after her death. She never ceased to amaze me, first she bought a house and moved into it instantly and next she managed to solve problems that would have taken me weeks to fix.
I looked over at the letters, knowing that the next one would be from Mama. I couldn’t, for the first time in my life, fathom reading a letter from Mama. I had not come to terms with it yet, and was not ready for her to apologize to me, as she would, in her next letter. I didn’t hate Mama, I just felt overwhelmingly guilty for hating Father for so long and had no earthly idea how to fix it.
Junior and I sat on the back patio watching the flicker of bon fires scattered along the shore. I wondered what it would feel like to be young and carefree, sipping a beer, and picking on my friends. I wondered if I would have been a more functional human being had I not spent most of my life loathing Father and shielding Mama. Maybe my shy spell would have worn off, maybe under different circumstances I would have made friends.
“Hello neighbor!” Penny waved from her patio, she had a scarf tied around her hair and was beating rugs out. Even though the cottage had simple and tasteful décor, Penny could not stand the thought of living in someone else’s germs. She would probably be up all night long cleaning.
“Hi!” I called, blowing her a kiss.
“I’m having a housewarming party Friday night! Hope you’ll come!” Penny used everything as an excuse to throw a party. I wondered what her ritzy friends would think of her humble abode.
“Wouldn’t miss it!” Junior called, tipping his beer bottle in her direction with a smile. We watched as Penny wrestled the giant rug back in the house and giggled. “Addy, what kind of news did you get yesterday? I saw that you had a letter in your hand.”
I thought about it for a second not knowing quite how to approach it. I didn’t know where to begin, didn’t know how much he could handle, and had no idea if I could hold it together long enough to make any sense.
“When I was a little girl,” I began, “I thought I had a good reason to hate my Father. When Mama died, she left me a bundle of letters to read. Yesterday’s letter was proof that I hadn’t had a good reason to hate him after all.”
“So you don’t hate him anymore?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so, but it is a hard emotion to reverse. I still hate him until I remember that I have no reason to. I don’t know how long it will take to get past it.” I didn’t want to hate Father anymore.
“I guess after you feel a certain way for so long, you almost don’t even remember why…” Junior tried to make sense of what I had told him.
“Sort of. I mean I remembered why, but it became something bigger than me. The hate consumed me and made me change to accommodate it. Now I just have to figure out who I am without it, I guess.”
“Thank you, Addy. I know it can’t be easy to talk about.” Junior reached over and took my hand in his. I felt comfortable telling him things that other people probably wouldn’t understand. He didn’t understand it fully, but he tried. He didn’t discount the things that weighed heavy in making me who I was. He was eager for more, but I had said all that I could say.
“Someday I’ll tell you all the dirty little details, but right now they are too fresh and too raw.” I was still digesting the last twenty-eight years of my life and making sense of my misconceptions.
“Someday... I like the sound of that.”
“Me too.” For the first time, I was ready to imagine myself as Junior’s wife. “Oh God!” I exclaimed.
“What? What’s wrong?” Junior sat up straighter, hoping to protect me from whatever was upsetting me.
“I just realized that my name would be Adeline Banks Hanks!” I covered my eyes and laughed. Junior laughed too. He couldn't protect me from that! As if it wasn’t bad enough to be falling in love with a full-grown man named Junior, now I had rhyming name to come to terms with. “I might just need therapy after all!”
“Sleep well?” Penny’s eyebrows danced up and down with insinuation. She set my plate in front of me and I attacked it like a wild dog. I hadn’t had a single bite to eat since the French toast from the diner. A full mouth was a good excuse not to answer her inquiry.
“We need to talk…” I took a big gulp of orange juice to wash my breakfast down. Penny’s eyes darted to the stack of letters on the counter. “Not about the letters, I haven’t read any more.”
“Oh,” Penny looked a little embarrassed.
“I don’t think anything Mama could write would surprise me now!” I laughed. “Anyway, I was just thinking about my apartment in Boston… I can’t expect the super to keep feeding the cats and I am sure there are a ton of bills piling up-- not to mention my job.”
“We can make arrangements and have it all taken care of, don’t worry.” Penny was used to setting things in motion, and didn’t see any reason why she couldn’t just send someone up to Boston to pick up Lennon and McCartney and to pay my bills.
“I don’t know, I just wonder how much longer I should stay.” I hadn’t really thought it over, but I couldn’t stay at the beach house forever.
“Your Mama left you this house, you know. She bought it with her own money and it is your’s now.” Penny reminded.
“But I can’t hide out here forever…”
“You aren’t hiding out. You are experiencing life! For the first time by the way. Besides, how could you leave Junior?” Penny knew exactly what to say. “You have more letters to read, you know the deal! Forget about Boston until you are finished with those. I’ll make arrangements to get your cats taken care of as well as your bills.”
“You sure you don’t mind?” There was no arguing with that.
“Not one bit. Oh, forgot to tell you! I bought a house yesterday!” Penny mentioned buying a house like it was a new pair of shoes or something else that you bought every little while.
“A house? Are you leaving me?” I knew I couldn’t do it alone, even with Junior around.
“Not leaving you, just giving you a little space. I bought the cottage next door. That’s where I went yesterday morning!” Penny seemed excited.
“The green one?” I had always liked the little green house next door, it was quaint and cozy. “What will I eat?”
“Oh, honey! We’re neighbors!”
“I don’t know about this, Penny.” I felt abandoned.
“Oh it will be fine, you’ll see. The house came furnished! You can scoot on over there and see it if you want!” She set the key on the counter and went back to loading the dish washer.
After helping Penny lug her bags over to her new place, I curled up in front of the TV. It was a dreary day, so I didn’t bother heading out onto the beach. The green cottage next door was adorable. It was just enough space and was very charming. Penny wasn’t abandoning me after all, she was just giving me some room to breathe and some privacy with Junior. I thought about all the times that Penny had vowed to find me a summer romance and realized that she finally had!
Junior was running a few errands and promised to pick dinner up and bring it over. I couldn’t wait to see him again, and couldn’t get his kisses out of my mind. He was too good to be true, but he was true. Not only was he handsome, but he was kind, gentle, smart, and perfect. He was everything I had never dared to imagine would find me.
I was alone for the first time since reading Father’s letter. I didn’t want to think about it yet, but had to. I had to face the fact that I spent my life hating a man who hadn’t done anything to begin with. I spent my life worshiping a false idol, who was really the one who was being unfaithful. It was a huge shock, and I didn’t know how to handle it! Should I apologize to Father? Should I hate Mama? I didn’t know where to start.
Penny called and informed me that she had already made arrangements to have my cats sent down and had paid all of my bills. I didn’t know what I would do without Penny. Penny remained Mama’s loyal friend, even after her death. She never ceased to amaze me, first she bought a house and moved into it instantly and next she managed to solve problems that would have taken me weeks to fix.
I looked over at the letters, knowing that the next one would be from Mama. I couldn’t, for the first time in my life, fathom reading a letter from Mama. I had not come to terms with it yet, and was not ready for her to apologize to me, as she would, in her next letter. I didn’t hate Mama, I just felt overwhelmingly guilty for hating Father for so long and had no earthly idea how to fix it.
***
Junior and I sat on the back patio watching the flicker of bon fires scattered along the shore. I wondered what it would feel like to be young and carefree, sipping a beer, and picking on my friends. I wondered if I would have been a more functional human being had I not spent most of my life loathing Father and shielding Mama. Maybe my shy spell would have worn off, maybe under different circumstances I would have made friends.
“Hello neighbor!” Penny waved from her patio, she had a scarf tied around her hair and was beating rugs out. Even though the cottage had simple and tasteful décor, Penny could not stand the thought of living in someone else’s germs. She would probably be up all night long cleaning.
“Hi!” I called, blowing her a kiss.
“I’m having a housewarming party Friday night! Hope you’ll come!” Penny used everything as an excuse to throw a party. I wondered what her ritzy friends would think of her humble abode.
“Wouldn’t miss it!” Junior called, tipping his beer bottle in her direction with a smile. We watched as Penny wrestled the giant rug back in the house and giggled. “Addy, what kind of news did you get yesterday? I saw that you had a letter in your hand.”
I thought about it for a second not knowing quite how to approach it. I didn’t know where to begin, didn’t know how much he could handle, and had no idea if I could hold it together long enough to make any sense.
“When I was a little girl,” I began, “I thought I had a good reason to hate my Father. When Mama died, she left me a bundle of letters to read. Yesterday’s letter was proof that I hadn’t had a good reason to hate him after all.”
“So you don’t hate him anymore?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so, but it is a hard emotion to reverse. I still hate him until I remember that I have no reason to. I don’t know how long it will take to get past it.” I didn’t want to hate Father anymore.
“I guess after you feel a certain way for so long, you almost don’t even remember why…” Junior tried to make sense of what I had told him.
“Sort of. I mean I remembered why, but it became something bigger than me. The hate consumed me and made me change to accommodate it. Now I just have to figure out who I am without it, I guess.”
“Thank you, Addy. I know it can’t be easy to talk about.” Junior reached over and took my hand in his. I felt comfortable telling him things that other people probably wouldn’t understand. He didn’t understand it fully, but he tried. He didn’t discount the things that weighed heavy in making me who I was. He was eager for more, but I had said all that I could say.
“Someday I’ll tell you all the dirty little details, but right now they are too fresh and too raw.” I was still digesting the last twenty-eight years of my life and making sense of my misconceptions.
“Someday... I like the sound of that.”
“Me too.” For the first time, I was ready to imagine myself as Junior’s wife. “Oh God!” I exclaimed.
“What? What’s wrong?” Junior sat up straighter, hoping to protect me from whatever was upsetting me.
“I just realized that my name would be Adeline Banks Hanks!” I covered my eyes and laughed. Junior laughed too. He couldn't protect me from that! As if it wasn’t bad enough to be falling in love with a full-grown man named Junior, now I had rhyming name to come to terms with. “I might just need therapy after all!”
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Thirty Nine
Mama put the finishing touches on my hair. I was so nervous. I had taken piano since I was seven, but it had taken me three years to work up the courage to be in a recital. “You’ll do great!” Mama encouraged.
“What if I forget?” My stomach was filled with butterflies.
“You won’t, sweetie. Daddy, Anna, and I will sit on the front row and cheer you on! You play so beautifully!” I sure hoped she was right.
The ride to the recital hall was entirely too short and I was shaking. “Go get em,” Father kissed my head and patted me on the back. My name was already in the bulletin, and I knew that there was no way that I could back out now.
“Hi, Addy!” Mrs. Smith, my piano teacher greeted me with a smile and led me to my seat. “You’re our grand finale!”
“About that,” I began. “Couldn’t I just listen to the others play? I haven’t practice enough.” I back pedaled as fast as I could.
“Now Addy, you’ll do great! I have never heard ten year old play like you do.” She smiled down at me and gave me no option other than to play.
I listened as the other children fumbled through their pieces, little happy songs about dolphins, trains, and nursery rhymes. I listened as the teenagers banged away, crossing one hand over the other, and forgetting to lift the sustain pedal. I wondered how many recitals they had been in? I wondered if I would ever make it through my piece. I wondered why I had agreed to put myself on display for hundreds of people, realizing it probably had something to do with Anna’s upcoming ballet recital.
I studied my bulletin and realized that the pimple faced boy who was playing Toccata in D minor was right before me! My palms got sweaty, my mouth went dry, and I looked down into the crowd at my parents. Father, Mama, Anna, and Penny all smiled in my direction. I wanted to run and hide behind the long red velvet curtains that lined the stage. I wanted to escape through the side door and disappear into the night. I wanted to rip my name off of the bottom of everyone’s bulletin and try again next year. He played his final note, stood and took and awkward bow, and adjusted his glasses as he sat back down among the rest of us. I sat frozen. The grand finale? I was only ten! Mrs. Smith stood and motioned for me to go to the grand piano and I took a deep breath. I had no choice. I stood and headed toward the shiny black bench. The crowd cheered for me and I gave myself a pep talk.
After a moment of closing my eyes and mentally preparing, I knew what I had to do. Even if I butchered it, I had to at least try. My hands touched the keys and I wondered if the right notes would sound. To my surprise they did! I didn’t have think about it, the right notes just came out. After awhie I gained confidence! My hands danced along the keyboard and flawlessly played Chopin’s Polonaise in G-minor. I could feel the hundreds of eyes on me and realized that I wasn’t afraid anymore. I wasn’t afraid! I played the final chord and stood to face the crowd. I saw tears glistening in Father’s eyes and knew that I hadn’t missed a single note.
The attention was enough to ensure that I would play in every spring recital for the rest of my days. I knew that Anna could never hold a candle to the talent that poured from my hands. I knew that I had finally one-upped her, and from the blank expression on her face as the audience around her stood and applauded for me, I saw that she knew it too.
“What if I forget?” My stomach was filled with butterflies.
“You won’t, sweetie. Daddy, Anna, and I will sit on the front row and cheer you on! You play so beautifully!” I sure hoped she was right.
The ride to the recital hall was entirely too short and I was shaking. “Go get em,” Father kissed my head and patted me on the back. My name was already in the bulletin, and I knew that there was no way that I could back out now.
“Hi, Addy!” Mrs. Smith, my piano teacher greeted me with a smile and led me to my seat. “You’re our grand finale!”
“About that,” I began. “Couldn’t I just listen to the others play? I haven’t practice enough.” I back pedaled as fast as I could.
“Now Addy, you’ll do great! I have never heard ten year old play like you do.” She smiled down at me and gave me no option other than to play.
I listened as the other children fumbled through their pieces, little happy songs about dolphins, trains, and nursery rhymes. I listened as the teenagers banged away, crossing one hand over the other, and forgetting to lift the sustain pedal. I wondered how many recitals they had been in? I wondered if I would ever make it through my piece. I wondered why I had agreed to put myself on display for hundreds of people, realizing it probably had something to do with Anna’s upcoming ballet recital.
I studied my bulletin and realized that the pimple faced boy who was playing Toccata in D minor was right before me! My palms got sweaty, my mouth went dry, and I looked down into the crowd at my parents. Father, Mama, Anna, and Penny all smiled in my direction. I wanted to run and hide behind the long red velvet curtains that lined the stage. I wanted to escape through the side door and disappear into the night. I wanted to rip my name off of the bottom of everyone’s bulletin and try again next year. He played his final note, stood and took and awkward bow, and adjusted his glasses as he sat back down among the rest of us. I sat frozen. The grand finale? I was only ten! Mrs. Smith stood and motioned for me to go to the grand piano and I took a deep breath. I had no choice. I stood and headed toward the shiny black bench. The crowd cheered for me and I gave myself a pep talk.
After a moment of closing my eyes and mentally preparing, I knew what I had to do. Even if I butchered it, I had to at least try. My hands touched the keys and I wondered if the right notes would sound. To my surprise they did! I didn’t have think about it, the right notes just came out. After awhie I gained confidence! My hands danced along the keyboard and flawlessly played Chopin’s Polonaise in G-minor. I could feel the hundreds of eyes on me and realized that I wasn’t afraid anymore. I wasn’t afraid! I played the final chord and stood to face the crowd. I saw tears glistening in Father’s eyes and knew that I hadn’t missed a single note.
The attention was enough to ensure that I would play in every spring recital for the rest of my days. I knew that Anna could never hold a candle to the talent that poured from my hands. I knew that I had finally one-upped her, and from the blank expression on her face as the audience around her stood and applauded for me, I saw that she knew it too.
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Thirty Eight
Junior’s face lit up when I finally emerged from Penny’s bedroom. My wet hair was cool against my bare shoulders and it felt good to be clean, I almost felt like I had managed to soak away some of the pain that Mama’s revelation had caused.
“You hungry?” Penny began to fill an empty bowl with vegetable soup, crumbling cornbread over the top.
“Not really, Penny. I’m sorry.” I touched my stomach and poked out my bottom lip.
“Well it heats up well. Maybe you’ll be hungry after while.” She set down the bowl with a clink, and looked over at Junior. “Junior liked it, didn’t you?”
“I did.” He smiled politely. “You feeling okay?”
“I think so.” I said, trying not to feel embarrassed about the scene that he had rescued me from that morning.
“Want to go walk on the beach?” Again I got lost in his eyes and realized how lucky I was that he had chosen me. It wasn’t like I expected him to propose or anything, I didn’t know what to expect! This was brand new and even with the pain of Father’s letter, I could still feel the tickle of my first love bubbling to the surface.
We headed out into the cool sand, the sun’s warmth now a distant memory. I pulled my damp hair into a ponytail and Junior tugged on the end of it with a boyish smirk on his face. “Thank you for helping me today.”
“I’m just glad I didn’t take the short cut. Otherwise I wouldn’t have seen you at all.” Junior seemed to cringe at the thought of me being left alone screaming in the street. “I’ll head over there in the morning and pick up my surfboard.”
“Oh! I’m sorry you had to leave it. I have never fallen apart like that before, I promise.” I shivered against the breeze and tried to push away the nagging thoughts of Father’s innocence that were whispering in the back of my mind.
“Did it have to do with your Mama’s death?” He tried to make some sense of it all.
“In a way…” I wondered how much I could share. “I don’t really know where to start and can’t imagine starting tonight.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t want you to. You’ve had a long day!” Junior led me over to sit down in the sand. “You cold?”
“A little.” I nodded. Junior pulled me closer and I sank willingly into his embrace.
“I feel like I’ve known you forever, Addy.” I understood exactly what he meant, I felt like I had known him forever too. “You’re an amazing woman.”
“You’re an amazing man.” I was thankful for Junior. I tilted my head up to look at him and was met with my very first kiss. It felt nothing like I expected it to. His lips were soft. His breath was warm. His taste was sweet. My body came alive with new feelings and sensations that I had never experienced. We both hesitated for a split second, just long enough to make me long for more. I felt his tongue against mine and knew that Junior had been worth the wait. He had come into my life at exactly the right moment for a reason. I needed him. I needed this. I finally, after years of kissing the air and spying on Anna’s steamy make out sessions, was experiencing the most amazing tenderness and dampness that I had ever felt.
“I’m sorry.” Junior whispered into my hair.
“Sorry for what?” I was still numb from the tingling that was making its way from head to toe.
“I shouldn’t have done that, not after the kind of day you’ve had.” He looked away, shook his head, and sighed.
I took his face in my hands and kissed him again. He had nothing to be sorry about! He had just introduced me to something that had been a stranger for far too long.
Junior and I crawled into my bed together. I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts and knew that he would be a gentleman. “Junior, tell me about your Mama.” I wanted to hear about a normal Mother.
“She was wonderful. I miss her every single day.” He was lazily stroaking my arm and the darkness of the room crept in around us as he spoke. “I had a huge crush on her when I was little. I wanted to marry her and knew that no other girl would do.”
I laughed, remembering how badly I had wanted to marry Father. “I wanted to marry my Father!”
“I guess every kid wants to marry the person that they look up to the most. She read me stories every night, even when I was old enough to read. Every night we read a new chapter.” I could hear the smile in his voice as he remembered.
“What did she look like?”
“She had golden blonde hair, big brown eyes, rosey red cheeks, and a smile that you couldn’t help but smile back at.” I painted a picture of his Mama in my mind, she was beautiful. “She laughed a lot.”
“How, what happened?” I wasn’t sure that I should ask, but needed to.
“She had a car accident.” Silence spoke louder than any words that he could say. I couldn’t imagine losing my Mother at twelve years old. I couldn’t imagine the pain that he had to endure. I couldn’t help but cry. “Don’t cry, it was a long time ago.”
“Kiss me again, Junior.” I needed to feel the longing that he had for me.
After what seemed like a million years, he did as he was told. The salt of my tears mingled into the wet sweet bliss. My hands ran through his dark curly hair, my body pressed against his, and my inhibitions disappeared. I took his hand and led it to the parts of my body that longed to be touched. I wasn’t thinking anymore, just feeling and experiencing. His hand stopped short of very spot that craved it, he stopped kissing me, and shook his head. “No, I can’t.”
“Why?” I didn’t understand. I had waited twenty eight years for this.
“It’s not right. If you want me to stay the night I will, but let’s just talk, okay?” Junior’s hands were as far from me as they could get.
“Okay.” I nodded, realizing that I had no self-control and had no defenses against the new sensations that were overwhelming my body. Junior was older and wiser. He knew that no one should have their first kiss and their first time in the same night. Eventually my breathing slowed, my embarrassment disappeared, and we talked until the sun made its big debut. Talking to Junior about everything and nothing protected me from the feelings and emotions that were bobbing right below the surface. Thankfully, I was able to prolong the inevitable for just a little while longer. I kept the pain at bay just long enough to fall in love.
“You hungry?” Penny began to fill an empty bowl with vegetable soup, crumbling cornbread over the top.
“Not really, Penny. I’m sorry.” I touched my stomach and poked out my bottom lip.
“Well it heats up well. Maybe you’ll be hungry after while.” She set down the bowl with a clink, and looked over at Junior. “Junior liked it, didn’t you?”
“I did.” He smiled politely. “You feeling okay?”
“I think so.” I said, trying not to feel embarrassed about the scene that he had rescued me from that morning.
“Want to go walk on the beach?” Again I got lost in his eyes and realized how lucky I was that he had chosen me. It wasn’t like I expected him to propose or anything, I didn’t know what to expect! This was brand new and even with the pain of Father’s letter, I could still feel the tickle of my first love bubbling to the surface.
We headed out into the cool sand, the sun’s warmth now a distant memory. I pulled my damp hair into a ponytail and Junior tugged on the end of it with a boyish smirk on his face. “Thank you for helping me today.”
“I’m just glad I didn’t take the short cut. Otherwise I wouldn’t have seen you at all.” Junior seemed to cringe at the thought of me being left alone screaming in the street. “I’ll head over there in the morning and pick up my surfboard.”
“Oh! I’m sorry you had to leave it. I have never fallen apart like that before, I promise.” I shivered against the breeze and tried to push away the nagging thoughts of Father’s innocence that were whispering in the back of my mind.
“Did it have to do with your Mama’s death?” He tried to make some sense of it all.
“In a way…” I wondered how much I could share. “I don’t really know where to start and can’t imagine starting tonight.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t want you to. You’ve had a long day!” Junior led me over to sit down in the sand. “You cold?”
“A little.” I nodded. Junior pulled me closer and I sank willingly into his embrace.
“I feel like I’ve known you forever, Addy.” I understood exactly what he meant, I felt like I had known him forever too. “You’re an amazing woman.”
“You’re an amazing man.” I was thankful for Junior. I tilted my head up to look at him and was met with my very first kiss. It felt nothing like I expected it to. His lips were soft. His breath was warm. His taste was sweet. My body came alive with new feelings and sensations that I had never experienced. We both hesitated for a split second, just long enough to make me long for more. I felt his tongue against mine and knew that Junior had been worth the wait. He had come into my life at exactly the right moment for a reason. I needed him. I needed this. I finally, after years of kissing the air and spying on Anna’s steamy make out sessions, was experiencing the most amazing tenderness and dampness that I had ever felt.
“I’m sorry.” Junior whispered into my hair.
“Sorry for what?” I was still numb from the tingling that was making its way from head to toe.
“I shouldn’t have done that, not after the kind of day you’ve had.” He looked away, shook his head, and sighed.
I took his face in my hands and kissed him again. He had nothing to be sorry about! He had just introduced me to something that had been a stranger for far too long.
***
Junior and I crawled into my bed together. I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts and knew that he would be a gentleman. “Junior, tell me about your Mama.” I wanted to hear about a normal Mother.
“She was wonderful. I miss her every single day.” He was lazily stroaking my arm and the darkness of the room crept in around us as he spoke. “I had a huge crush on her when I was little. I wanted to marry her and knew that no other girl would do.”
I laughed, remembering how badly I had wanted to marry Father. “I wanted to marry my Father!”
“I guess every kid wants to marry the person that they look up to the most. She read me stories every night, even when I was old enough to read. Every night we read a new chapter.” I could hear the smile in his voice as he remembered.
“What did she look like?”
“She had golden blonde hair, big brown eyes, rosey red cheeks, and a smile that you couldn’t help but smile back at.” I painted a picture of his Mama in my mind, she was beautiful. “She laughed a lot.”
“How, what happened?” I wasn’t sure that I should ask, but needed to.
“She had a car accident.” Silence spoke louder than any words that he could say. I couldn’t imagine losing my Mother at twelve years old. I couldn’t imagine the pain that he had to endure. I couldn’t help but cry. “Don’t cry, it was a long time ago.”
“Kiss me again, Junior.” I needed to feel the longing that he had for me.
After what seemed like a million years, he did as he was told. The salt of my tears mingled into the wet sweet bliss. My hands ran through his dark curly hair, my body pressed against his, and my inhibitions disappeared. I took his hand and led it to the parts of my body that longed to be touched. I wasn’t thinking anymore, just feeling and experiencing. His hand stopped short of very spot that craved it, he stopped kissing me, and shook his head. “No, I can’t.”
“Why?” I didn’t understand. I had waited twenty eight years for this.
“It’s not right. If you want me to stay the night I will, but let’s just talk, okay?” Junior’s hands were as far from me as they could get.
“Okay.” I nodded, realizing that I had no self-control and had no defenses against the new sensations that were overwhelming my body. Junior was older and wiser. He knew that no one should have their first kiss and their first time in the same night. Eventually my breathing slowed, my embarrassment disappeared, and we talked until the sun made its big debut. Talking to Junior about everything and nothing protected me from the feelings and emotions that were bobbing right below the surface. Thankfully, I was able to prolong the inevitable for just a little while longer. I kept the pain at bay just long enough to fall in love.
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Thirty Seven
I was standing in my very first apartment. It was giant and empty. My voice echoed as I squealed in delight. I was finally out on my own, I was finally going to be a normal person and live a normal life. I had high hopes for my time in Boston! I had high hopes for my future!
Mama was dying to come visit already and every time I heard the doorbell ring, I knew that it was a delivery man with something else that she had sent for my apartment. She sent vases, blankets, dishes, lamps, books, bath mats, paintings, framed poetry from my childhood, and tons of other things. She was excited for me, but thought obviously that I lived in a mansion instead of a one bedroom loft in Brighton Center. Every time I had everything arranged exactly like I wanted it, she sent another item to add to the mix.
It didn’t take me long to find a coffee shop that I adored. I spent most of my waking hours and ate most of my meals at Athan‘s Bakery--people watching, coffee sipping, scone eating, and time killing. I didn’t start my job for several more weeks and since I didn’t have any friends, I had plenty of time to explore the city which was a good thing considering the service at Athan’s was slow-- but worth the wait.
I had become familiar with the “T” which was how I got from point A to point B-- with a thousand stops in between. One afternoon, I went down to Newbury St. to window shop. Mama, Penny, and Anna would have been in heaven amidst the endless supply of expensive shops and restaurants. I, on the other hand, was like a fish out of water. I liked the fact that I didn’t fit in, it was the first tangible evidence that I had to prove that I was out on my own and was not the “rich” girl anymore.
A few weeks after I had moved in, I was sitting on the couch in my pajamas. The doorbell rang and I slid out from underneath the new kittens that were curled up on my newspaper sleeping. I sighed, wondering what in the world Mama had sent now. “Addy!” It was Anna. She hugged my neck and set her bag inside the door.
“Anna? This is quite a surprise.” I was annoyed, seemed like she would have warned me that she was coming. I would have cleaned up and rearranged things. I wanted it to look perfect because I knew that she would judge.
“I wanted it to stay a surprise!” She closed the door behind her and shimmied out of the her thick winter coat.
“What are you doing in Boston?” I didn’t try to hide my feelings.
“I’m on my way to New York City. I’m spending the weekend in with a friend, we’re going to see a Broadway play and everything!” Her eyes were full of wonder. Being a Southern girl, she had never made it up to the big cities of the North. This was probably part of the reason that I had migrated to Boston and why Anna was giddy over a trip to NYC.
“A friend?” I sat down on the coach and turned the volume down. I was missing final jeopardy.
“Yes a friend.” she smiled. “Okay, a boyfriend. I think he’s the one!”
“I figured Joe was the one.”
“Joe is most definitely not the one! I cut things off a fews ago for good.” She sat down beside me, uninvited.
“I don’t have an extra bed.” I knew better than to expect Anna to sleep on the couch.
“Won’t be the first time we’ve shared!” Anna seemed very excited about spending time with me, and I felt a little guilty for dreading it.
The next day was like torture to me. We headed out, Anna was dying for me to show her around, but everything I suggested was met by a weird look, a suggestion of something better to do, and a snide comment. “I eat at Athan’s everyday.” I wanted her to know that I had a routine that she was disrupting.
“High time you try something else!” She looked like a fool in her expensive shoes and faux fur coat. So much for blending in. Anna pulled out her iPhone and managed to find a restaurant fancy enough to suit her tastes for brunch, and she led us directly to Devlin’s Bistro and Bar. I couldn’t believe that she had only been here a few hours and was already leading me around.
“So who is this boyfriend?” I wondered how poor Joe, who had been hanging on her every word since they were preteens, would feel about it finally being over for good.
“He’s a doctor. He’s in the middle of a nasty divorce, and needed to get away for awhile.” Her eyes filled with stars as she sipped her water with lime. The thought of her breaking up a perfectly happy married, which I was sure she had done, disgusted me. “How amazing is it that getting away includes a trip to NYC?”
“Pretty amazing.” I rolled my eyes and longed for a quiet afternoon alone.
“Why can’t you just be happy for me? For once in your life!” Anna narrowed her eyes at me. She ran her hand through her long mahogany hair, and that alone was enough for me to lose it. I felt like she was rubbing in the fact that she looked like Mama and I wanted to cry. Maybe I was just looking for a reason to lose it, but either way I lost it.
“Enjoy your brunch.” And at that I stood up and left. She could pay for the food after it came. I couldn’t take one more milisecond of Anna Banks!
I pulled my coat on, wrapped the turquoise scarf around my neck, and headed out into the cold. Before I knew it was sitting on a bench in Boyden Park. Even with the chill in the air, little kids were running around and smiling. I thought back to my childhood and longed for a time before my bitterness toward Father and Anna had consumed me. There was a time when I loved Father and only hated Anna when she stole my Barbie or pinched me. Those were, in many ways, better days.
I didn’t see Anna again in Boston. By the time I got home, she had convinced the super to let her in and had erased all evidence of her visit. I was glad. I would be starting my job in a few weeks, and was ready to settle back into my routine before taking the giant leap into the working world. With Anna gone, I could go back to blending in.
Mama was dying to come visit already and every time I heard the doorbell ring, I knew that it was a delivery man with something else that she had sent for my apartment. She sent vases, blankets, dishes, lamps, books, bath mats, paintings, framed poetry from my childhood, and tons of other things. She was excited for me, but thought obviously that I lived in a mansion instead of a one bedroom loft in Brighton Center. Every time I had everything arranged exactly like I wanted it, she sent another item to add to the mix.
It didn’t take me long to find a coffee shop that I adored. I spent most of my waking hours and ate most of my meals at Athan‘s Bakery--people watching, coffee sipping, scone eating, and time killing. I didn’t start my job for several more weeks and since I didn’t have any friends, I had plenty of time to explore the city which was a good thing considering the service at Athan’s was slow-- but worth the wait.
I had become familiar with the “T” which was how I got from point A to point B-- with a thousand stops in between. One afternoon, I went down to Newbury St. to window shop. Mama, Penny, and Anna would have been in heaven amidst the endless supply of expensive shops and restaurants. I, on the other hand, was like a fish out of water. I liked the fact that I didn’t fit in, it was the first tangible evidence that I had to prove that I was out on my own and was not the “rich” girl anymore.
A few weeks after I had moved in, I was sitting on the couch in my pajamas. The doorbell rang and I slid out from underneath the new kittens that were curled up on my newspaper sleeping. I sighed, wondering what in the world Mama had sent now. “Addy!” It was Anna. She hugged my neck and set her bag inside the door.
“Anna? This is quite a surprise.” I was annoyed, seemed like she would have warned me that she was coming. I would have cleaned up and rearranged things. I wanted it to look perfect because I knew that she would judge.
“I wanted it to stay a surprise!” She closed the door behind her and shimmied out of the her thick winter coat.
“What are you doing in Boston?” I didn’t try to hide my feelings.
“I’m on my way to New York City. I’m spending the weekend in with a friend, we’re going to see a Broadway play and everything!” Her eyes were full of wonder. Being a Southern girl, she had never made it up to the big cities of the North. This was probably part of the reason that I had migrated to Boston and why Anna was giddy over a trip to NYC.
“A friend?” I sat down on the coach and turned the volume down. I was missing final jeopardy.
“Yes a friend.” she smiled. “Okay, a boyfriend. I think he’s the one!”
“I figured Joe was the one.”
“Joe is most definitely not the one! I cut things off a fews ago for good.” She sat down beside me, uninvited.
“I don’t have an extra bed.” I knew better than to expect Anna to sleep on the couch.
“Won’t be the first time we’ve shared!” Anna seemed very excited about spending time with me, and I felt a little guilty for dreading it.
The next day was like torture to me. We headed out, Anna was dying for me to show her around, but everything I suggested was met by a weird look, a suggestion of something better to do, and a snide comment. “I eat at Athan’s everyday.” I wanted her to know that I had a routine that she was disrupting.
“High time you try something else!” She looked like a fool in her expensive shoes and faux fur coat. So much for blending in. Anna pulled out her iPhone and managed to find a restaurant fancy enough to suit her tastes for brunch, and she led us directly to Devlin’s Bistro and Bar. I couldn’t believe that she had only been here a few hours and was already leading me around.
“So who is this boyfriend?” I wondered how poor Joe, who had been hanging on her every word since they were preteens, would feel about it finally being over for good.
“He’s a doctor. He’s in the middle of a nasty divorce, and needed to get away for awhile.” Her eyes filled with stars as she sipped her water with lime. The thought of her breaking up a perfectly happy married, which I was sure she had done, disgusted me. “How amazing is it that getting away includes a trip to NYC?”
“Pretty amazing.” I rolled my eyes and longed for a quiet afternoon alone.
“Why can’t you just be happy for me? For once in your life!” Anna narrowed her eyes at me. She ran her hand through her long mahogany hair, and that alone was enough for me to lose it. I felt like she was rubbing in the fact that she looked like Mama and I wanted to cry. Maybe I was just looking for a reason to lose it, but either way I lost it.
“Enjoy your brunch.” And at that I stood up and left. She could pay for the food after it came. I couldn’t take one more milisecond of Anna Banks!
I pulled my coat on, wrapped the turquoise scarf around my neck, and headed out into the cold. Before I knew it was sitting on a bench in Boyden Park. Even with the chill in the air, little kids were running around and smiling. I thought back to my childhood and longed for a time before my bitterness toward Father and Anna had consumed me. There was a time when I loved Father and only hated Anna when she stole my Barbie or pinched me. Those were, in many ways, better days.
I didn’t see Anna again in Boston. By the time I got home, she had convinced the super to let her in and had erased all evidence of her visit. I was glad. I would be starting my job in a few weeks, and was ready to settle back into my routine before taking the giant leap into the working world. With Anna gone, I could go back to blending in.
Her Secrets & Mine - Chapter Thirty Six
“Where is she?” I could hear Penny rush in the beach house after being intercepted by Junior on her way up the front walk. He had obviously told her what happened, but I was still in too much of a daze to care. I had never felt so lost in my entire life.
“She’s in your bedroom. I just put her in the first bed I found.” His voice was still shaking, he was worried about me. Poor Junior. Too bad he didn’t know how crazy I was when he saw me on the beach. He never would have wanted anything to do with me.
“Addy.” Penny came in and sat on the bed beside me. I stared straight ahead, not acknowledging her. I thought of all the weekends that Penny was Mama's alibi, all the important moments in my life that Mama had missed, all the lies that Mama had obviously told. I couldn’t believe that Penny hadn’t told me about Mama’s lover. I couldn’t believe that they let me hate my Father for so many years. I couldn’t believe that Father had never even technically cheated on her.
My entire world was suddenly upside down. Penny had led me directly into the pain! She could have protected me from it, after all she was Mama’s best friend! She knew how much I hated Father! She knew how afraid I was to trust a man for fear that he would turn out just like Robert Banks. She should have warned me! She should have prepared me! She should have done something-- anything!
By the time the thoughts crossed my mind, I realized how crazy they were. After years of blaming Father, I was looking for someone else to blame. It wasn’t Penny’s fault. She had to follow Mama’s wishes about the letters. She had to let me read all of them, regardless of how bad they hurt me. I knew deep down that it was time to put blame where it belonged, but I couldn’t. Not yet. I wasn’t ready to shift the hate that was reawakening inside of me on my beloved Mama. I still couldn’t face the truth.
Penny pried my fingers opened and took the letter. She skimmed over it and shook her head. “I’m sorry, Addy. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know he stayed faithful, or else I would have stood up for him more!!!” Tears filled her eyes and she wiped them away with her arm. “Holy shit.”
“Holy shit.” I repeated after her. It was really all that could be said.
“You girls okay?” Junior came in after waiting as long as he could stand and found us lying on the bed, side-by-side staring up at the ceiling fan in silence. “Girls?”
“Women.” I sat up and looked at him. “After today, I’m a woman.” I held out my hand to him and he came and climbed into bed between us. He probably had no idea what the letter revealed to me, he hadn’t even known about the letters in the first place, but regardless of his limited knowledge, he wrapped his arms around me and held me while I cried.
It was dark when I finally woke up. I looked around the room, hoping to God that it had all been a terrible dream. Junior was asleep on me, and Penny was in the kitchen rounding up some food for us all. “Junior,” I whispered. It hadn’t been a dream. It was real.
“Huh?” He opened his eyes and any peace that was in his face disappeared. “Addy, are you okay?”
“I am.” I nodded, telling the truth. I was going to be okay regardless. I had to be. “One of these days I’ll tell you all about it.”
“Okay,” he ran his hand across my face and kissed my forehead. “Only when you’re ready.”
I realized how lucky I was to have Junior. I didn’t even want to think about what would have happened if he hadn’t come along when he did. I realized that he was one of my only reasons left to push on.
“Supper’s ready.” Penny called from the kitchen.
“You go ahead.” I switched on the lamp by the bed and sat up. “I’m going to take a hot bath.”
“Okay, we’ll save you some.” Junior stood up, adjusted his clothes, and headed out, leaving me alone again with my new set of thoughts.
I thought about Mama. So many years of hating Father and adoring her. I had been so blind. I thought of all the trips that she had been on with “Penny” and cringed to think that Father had known the whole time that she was probably in her lover’s arms. I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for me. All the times that I had compared Anna to Father! I should have been comparing her to Mama-- no wonder they looked so much alike.
I climbed into the Jacuzzi tub, not even running water. I curled up, naked, and thought about the orphaned hate that was eating me alive. I had no idea where to place it. It didn’t belong to Father anymore, but after so many years of idolizing Mama I couldn’t find a place for it with her either. I couldn’t hate her, even though pieces of me wanted to.
“Honey,” Penny had come in to check on me. “Sit up, let’s run some water.”
“No,” I closed my eyes tighter, still running the same thoughts through my mind over and over again.
“Sit up.” Penny said firmly, turning the knobs and sending a flood of water into the tub. I did as I was told, Penny knew what I needed better than I did. She poured bubbles in and waited for the foam to cover me before she began talking some sense into me. “Now listen, I’m just as surprised as you are about that letter. I found out things that I never knew, but you can’t let it consume you. You can’t go crazy.”
“I don’t know what else to do.” I began to sob again.
“I know, but you have to swallow it and accept it. It can’t be changed. Everything you ever knew was wrong and honey the letters aren’t even through yet.” Penny handed me a bottle of shampoo. “You have a man out there who wants to love you. He wants to wrap his arms around you and wipe away these giant tears.”
She was right. I couldn’t do this alone. “But what if he leaves me?”
“Addy.”
“What if he cheats on me?” I realized how crazy that sounded after learning that it had been Mama who had done the cheating. “What if I cheat on him?”
Penny laughed until her face turned red. “You have never kissed a man, honey. I highly doubt you have to worry about suddenly wanting to cheat on Junior.” She was right. I probably didn’t have to worry about that. “Now get cleaned up and come eat. He’s worried about you.”
“She’s in your bedroom. I just put her in the first bed I found.” His voice was still shaking, he was worried about me. Poor Junior. Too bad he didn’t know how crazy I was when he saw me on the beach. He never would have wanted anything to do with me.
“Addy.” Penny came in and sat on the bed beside me. I stared straight ahead, not acknowledging her. I thought of all the weekends that Penny was Mama's alibi, all the important moments in my life that Mama had missed, all the lies that Mama had obviously told. I couldn’t believe that Penny hadn’t told me about Mama’s lover. I couldn’t believe that they let me hate my Father for so many years. I couldn’t believe that Father had never even technically cheated on her.
My entire world was suddenly upside down. Penny had led me directly into the pain! She could have protected me from it, after all she was Mama’s best friend! She knew how much I hated Father! She knew how afraid I was to trust a man for fear that he would turn out just like Robert Banks. She should have warned me! She should have prepared me! She should have done something-- anything!
By the time the thoughts crossed my mind, I realized how crazy they were. After years of blaming Father, I was looking for someone else to blame. It wasn’t Penny’s fault. She had to follow Mama’s wishes about the letters. She had to let me read all of them, regardless of how bad they hurt me. I knew deep down that it was time to put blame where it belonged, but I couldn’t. Not yet. I wasn’t ready to shift the hate that was reawakening inside of me on my beloved Mama. I still couldn’t face the truth.
Penny pried my fingers opened and took the letter. She skimmed over it and shook her head. “I’m sorry, Addy. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know he stayed faithful, or else I would have stood up for him more!!!” Tears filled her eyes and she wiped them away with her arm. “Holy shit.”
“Holy shit.” I repeated after her. It was really all that could be said.
“You girls okay?” Junior came in after waiting as long as he could stand and found us lying on the bed, side-by-side staring up at the ceiling fan in silence. “Girls?”
“Women.” I sat up and looked at him. “After today, I’m a woman.” I held out my hand to him and he came and climbed into bed between us. He probably had no idea what the letter revealed to me, he hadn’t even known about the letters in the first place, but regardless of his limited knowledge, he wrapped his arms around me and held me while I cried.
***
It was dark when I finally woke up. I looked around the room, hoping to God that it had all been a terrible dream. Junior was asleep on me, and Penny was in the kitchen rounding up some food for us all. “Junior,” I whispered. It hadn’t been a dream. It was real.
“Huh?” He opened his eyes and any peace that was in his face disappeared. “Addy, are you okay?”
“I am.” I nodded, telling the truth. I was going to be okay regardless. I had to be. “One of these days I’ll tell you all about it.”
“Okay,” he ran his hand across my face and kissed my forehead. “Only when you’re ready.”
I realized how lucky I was to have Junior. I didn’t even want to think about what would have happened if he hadn’t come along when he did. I realized that he was one of my only reasons left to push on.
“Supper’s ready.” Penny called from the kitchen.
“You go ahead.” I switched on the lamp by the bed and sat up. “I’m going to take a hot bath.”
“Okay, we’ll save you some.” Junior stood up, adjusted his clothes, and headed out, leaving me alone again with my new set of thoughts.
I thought about Mama. So many years of hating Father and adoring her. I had been so blind. I thought of all the trips that she had been on with “Penny” and cringed to think that Father had known the whole time that she was probably in her lover’s arms. I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for me. All the times that I had compared Anna to Father! I should have been comparing her to Mama-- no wonder they looked so much alike.
I climbed into the Jacuzzi tub, not even running water. I curled up, naked, and thought about the orphaned hate that was eating me alive. I had no idea where to place it. It didn’t belong to Father anymore, but after so many years of idolizing Mama I couldn’t find a place for it with her either. I couldn’t hate her, even though pieces of me wanted to.
“Honey,” Penny had come in to check on me. “Sit up, let’s run some water.”
“No,” I closed my eyes tighter, still running the same thoughts through my mind over and over again.
“Sit up.” Penny said firmly, turning the knobs and sending a flood of water into the tub. I did as I was told, Penny knew what I needed better than I did. She poured bubbles in and waited for the foam to cover me before she began talking some sense into me. “Now listen, I’m just as surprised as you are about that letter. I found out things that I never knew, but you can’t let it consume you. You can’t go crazy.”
“I don’t know what else to do.” I began to sob again.
“I know, but you have to swallow it and accept it. It can’t be changed. Everything you ever knew was wrong and honey the letters aren’t even through yet.” Penny handed me a bottle of shampoo. “You have a man out there who wants to love you. He wants to wrap his arms around you and wipe away these giant tears.”
She was right. I couldn’t do this alone. “But what if he leaves me?”
“Addy.”
“What if he cheats on me?” I realized how crazy that sounded after learning that it had been Mama who had done the cheating. “What if I cheat on him?”
Penny laughed until her face turned red. “You have never kissed a man, honey. I highly doubt you have to worry about suddenly wanting to cheat on Junior.” She was right. I probably didn’t have to worry about that. “Now get cleaned up and come eat. He’s worried about you.”
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